A day in the life...

One year later.

2011-07-17T22:15:00.003-05:00

Wow. I can't believe it's been a year since Mom died. Today is Sunday, the 17th - tomorrow is the 18th - the actual anniversary of her death. But I think of it on Sunday. It was Sunday morning and I had gone out for a run at the lake. Got in the car, called my step dad to check in - and he shared the news that she had just passed. I was running. I was not with her. I know that is how it was supposed to be - as nothing like this is coincidental. Since that fateful Sunday, I think of my Mom - and where I was on that Sunday morning.

It's hard to believe it's been a whole year. Things are better - I am finally at a place where I remember things about my Mom and I don't think of what she looked like laying in that bed, debilitated. I remember my Mom ALIVE. I never thought I'd get here.

I can't say how many times I called her cell phone - just to hear her voice. It seems like I just haven't talked to her in a while.... so I'd call her phone - get her outgoing voice mail message and hang up. Then the day came when it wasn't there any more. I don't have anything now. Just memories and a few old, old photos.

I miss her so much. I wish so bad that she could see my kids and how much they've grown. I watch Allison do silly things and I can just hear my Mom saying how cute she is. I know how much she loved William - she just didn't have much time with Allison. I know she loved her - but man, she would have just eaten her up - if she were here today.

The past year has been weird. It seems as though my memory isn't so sharp as to everything that actually happened after July 18, 2010. The body just keeps on moving forward even though the mind was in a fog. God just kept pushing me forward somehow.

I think of you Mom every day. Something that I see, smell or hear - just reminds me of you. I know you're with me. I wish you were really with me. I'm still full of anger towards the life ending disease called breast cancer. If it were a person, I'd have kicked its ass so bad.

I'm not going to say I've gone through all the stages one goes through while grieving. I wonder if I've really even fully accepted that you're gone. There's a lot of unfinished business that I wished I'd have done before now - but I just can't. I had all these plans of things that I would do to honor you; the plaque at the Celebration Tree Grove.... I'm so sorry, I've just not been able to pull the rest of the money together - and I just hate myself for it. I feel like I'm letting you down. As if you wonder - about the importance you are or were in my life. I just struggle with you not being here. It's so hard.

Family is a little different too, I haven't been in touch with my brother. When he didn't show up it was just unforgivable in my opinion. It is a door that I closed and I'm not ready to reopen it. That's not being fair - and ultimately, I'm not the person who can judge. It can only be God who decides what is forgivable and what is not. Yet I just can't open that door up again. It wasn't respectful to you - and it wasn't respectful to me and I can't forgive and forget. Or even forgive at this time.

Mom, I miss you in everything I do.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
was blind, but now I see

Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear
and Grace my fears relieved
How precious did that Grace appear
the hour I first believed

The Lord has promised good to me...
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be...
as long as life endures.

When we've been here ten thousand years...
bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise...
then when we've first begun.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me....
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now, I see.

Emptiness

2010-08-02T22:16:00.008-05:00

I miss my Mom. Not a day - or an hour goes by when I don't think about her. I remember hugging her before she passed. Hugging and holding her. And thinking about how I would give anything to make her feel better. And was it too late for her to get better? My sweet, sweet Mom.

Her service was last Friday. It was nice, turned out beautiful. Very intimate, just like she would have wanted. I can't help but think it's so unreal that she isn't here anymore. I find myself just missing something. Feeling like I want to call her. But I can't. I used to call her on my way home from work just to check in. Let her know I was thinking of her. There were lots of times when she just complained about things.... and I got frustrated because I too had things to complain about, but I didn't. at least not to her. But now, I'd love to hear her again.

I am told that I will get past this period and that I will remember really good things about her in all kinds of little things I do in life. From wrapping presents to brushing my daughter's hair. I can't even imagine what it's going to be like this Christmas.

I've begun going through the storage unit where a lot of her things are. During her treatment, they had to downsize - and ended up putting a lot of things into a storage unit. I'm 10000% sure that Christmas was her all time favorite holiday. I knew it was. But now, I really, really know it was. I have found so many Christmas ornaments and so many decorations. I can't wait to decorate with them and think of her. Oh God, I will miss her so much.

Brian and I got married on my Mom's birthday. She was honored. We had a separate cake with candles - and sang Happy Birthday to her at the reception. She was mortified! :)

How am I going to get through this? How am I going to be able to get through the sadness that will come with every holiday and every big event in my life? I'm sure I'll get through - and each day will be easier... but man, it's hard right now. So hard.

And what's with my friends not calling? Sheesh. I guess some people are wanting to give me "space" and "time" - but you know, it seems like I don't have many friends right now. But I guess that really, no matter who calls or what they say, it's not going to make me feel better anyway, right? But - there are some people that I thought were close friends... and well, it just doesn't seem like it right now. This is the time when a person feels lonelier than ever. Coworkers kind of avoid me because they don't know what to say, so they say nothing. And.... people who do talk to me dare not say anything about my Mom - in fear that I may cry. It's so strange. I'm just sad. I want to talk about her. I love her and I miss her. And it's something so significant in my life that I need to talk about it. I need to spend quality time with friends and really let myself feel whatever it is I have inside, you know?

I wish my Mom would have let us take pictures of her. She hated the damn camera. HATED it. Now, I have very few photos to remember her by. Silly Mom. I should have taken pictures of you anyways.

Dedicated to Mom

2010-07-18T22:37:00.003-05:00

She's gone. She left this earth today. I already miss her. So, for today - these are the things I think of - that she gave to me.

My Mom was the most creative person. She could look at something and redraw it - flawlessly. She also had such an eye for every tiny detail. I remember when cabbage patch kids first came out (and you couldn't find them in stores), my Mom made a knock-off and sold them. She painted their little eyes.... and sewed their little toes. She could make anything. In fact, my first teddy bear, handmade by Mom. I still have it. Unfortunately, I did not get the skills at decorating cakes. She had a lot more patience than I will ever have when it comes to that kind of thing.

My Mom gave me a goofy sense of humor. She loved to joke around. She and I joked about stuff that other people just didn't even understand. It was like our own language.

Random thought: I can remember my Mom telling me that a TV station "must really like that commercial, they played it back to back." Love that! Uhhhhh, actually, Mom - it was the media buy. It was planned. But still, pretty cute of her to think that.

Mom used to love video games. Yep, she had the newest game system when it came out. Coleco Vision - she was ALL OVER IT! ha!

Oh - when my Mom would pick up my brother and I for the weekend, she would take us shopping.... and I would always, ALWAYS buy her flowers. There was a flower store in the mall. The FIRST place I ever went - was to the flower shop, I spent the money she gave me on flowers for her.

When she took us to Six Flags, she always made sure that any friend that came along had the same amount of money that I had. She would make up the difference, so we all started out the same. So thoughtful.

Did you know that the last time she was at the store (when she had her stroke), she was picking out Hotwheels Monster Trucks for William?

Mom, I love you so much. I know you are no longer suffering and for that, I am so thankful. I am going to miss you. I already miss you. I hate that you are not here. I hate that cancer won. You fought the fight. You were so strong. Damn cancer.

I will be such a good Mom, I will make you so proud of me. I'm so glad you're in Heaven watching over us - and please be William and Allison's guardian angel. They need you, Mom. Please look over them.

Random Things in Life

2010-07-14T13:52:00.003-05:00

If you've read the previous blogs, you know that my Mother is dying of cancer. During these past few months, I have experienced so many strange things - and they almost feel like "out-of-body experiences".

I don't know how people deal with this kind of stuff. For me, I think I just keep moving forward without getting too emotional because I know there's business to take care of, and I'm the one that has to do it.

Watching someone die is the hardest thing I've ever been a part of. It seems as though things are so hard, and you wonder how can someone live this way... then it actually gets worse. I've read books and web sites about signs to look for to let me know that it's almost time.... and literally, all the signs are present and have been. Just like birth, death is different for each person. My Mother has had days where I thought it was going to be her last, then when I go see her the next day, she's got energy again. Even if it's just a tiny bit. I find myself asking God why she has to continue to live this way. Why prolong the suffering? What is the lesson we should be learning from this?

I've been planning for what happens next. I have been making decisions for what to do. And the sucky thing is that I'm making them on my own. My step father doesn't want to talk about this stuff. My brother is nowhere around. And really, she didn't have many friends or close family. So, I'm just doing what I think is the right thing to do. It makes my head hurt. And truthfully, it makes me a little sick too. I am shopping for urns to place her remains in after cremation. Then that will be buried. And the whole thing is just so strange to me. And the expense of it all - is another thing. It's not cheap. And well, Mom didn't plan for any of this. So, I'm trying to figure out how I can do something tasteful and meaningful and not put myself or my family in the poor house.

What a predicament I'm in.

Is it just selfish as hell to say that I want this all to be behind me? I feel like I've been stuck in a big pile of mud, not able to move anywhere for such a long time. And the timing is completely out of my control. I've not really been able to do much this summer because I've been afraid that if I get too far from home, my Mom will pass when I'm not here. My poor Mom. What a terrible couple of years. Cancer totally sucks. She just never got any good news during the whole thing. After every round of chemo, the cancer was still there. Still attacking her body. It just had to have been devastating each time to hear that it wasn't shrinking. Or wasn't gone. Then, when it spread to her lungs. I'll never forget her telling me. I was in Austin on business. We cried on the phone together. I think we both knew that it was past the point of being controlled.

And then the hope of the clinical trial, which she didn't get on the trial immediately. When she finally did, she had a stroke and well, that was the beginning of the end. What a sad painful road for her. For all of us, but mostly for her. I'm so sorry that she had to deal with all of this. She didn't have the same fighting power as I do and Lord help me, if I too get dealt the hand she was, please give me the strength and the stamina to fight the fight.

As of now, she's still here physically and I pray that she is not experiencing any pain. When she is ready to go home, I'll be with her and I'll be glad that she really is in a better place.

from bad to worse

2010-05-18T21:49:00.003-05:00

So, the most recent update for Mom is that she has been in the hospital for nearly a week now. She was sent to Parkland to the psychiatric unit. She was extremely agitated and was screaming and yelling and saying she didn't want to live anymore.... so the nursing home sent her to be evaluated by the psychiatrists at Parkland.

They admitted her to the medical unit. They have been running tests, turns out she has a little infection that the doctors thought may have caused her psychosis. After a few days of being in the hospital and several conversations with physicians, I was told on Friday that we should consider hospice care for Mom. Now this wasn't the first time I'd heard it. But the doctors suspected that the cancer had spread to her brain. They didn't have anything to confirm because they've not been able to do an MRI or heck, even a contrast CT scan...

I went back to the hospital on Monday morning to meet with the doctor about her future care and to meet with my stepfather to discuss options. I called the neurologist that saw her a few weeks ago while she was in Centennial Hospital in Frisco.... and asked if he had seen any indication that the cancer had spread. He didn't show anything in the CT scans he did. The last scan was done on 4/22. Today, 5/18 a new scan was done and in fact, her cancer has spread. It's in several areas of the brain which of course means that we are now preparing for end of life care for my Mother.

I toured a few new facilities today to try to find a comfortable, loving place for my Mom to rest for her last weeks. I started thinking about the facility where she was staying and have just been so frustrated and upset that she's not been given the luxury of second thoughts or second and third opinions. It's taken me to be pretty firm with doctors / nurses / counselors to get some kind of movement for my Mom. And you know, it hasn't been much. And it breaks my heart to think that because my Mom has cancer, her illness has pre-determined her level of care throughout the process. She's not worth doing additional testing because the plan of action probably won't change because of her cancer status.

I'm sure these next weeks / months are going to be hard as hell and emotionally exhausting for everyone involved. I never thought I'd be here at this age going through this. I'm so sad for my Mom. I wish her life could have been SO MUCH MORE. I'm so sad that the end is near and there is so much that she didn't do because she was afraid.

I'm so sad that I didn't do more things for her. I am going to try to spend as much time with her from now until the end and make sure she knows how much I really love her. And how much I will miss her when she makes her journey home.

Mother'sDay

2010-05-09T22:34:00.003-05:00

What a sweet present, to sleep in this morning! Allison hasn't been feeling well, so she slept until 10:00! William did as well - and you know what? I woke up at 11:15. I'm pretty sure I needed that 13 hours of sleep last night! Brian says every couple of months, I do this - get one massive night in the rack.

I've had just a little bit going on lately, so I can see why I slept so long. The only bummer about it is that I am STILL sleepy! I was supposed to run 2 hours today. I ran 0 hours instead.

We all got ready and went to visit Mom in the nursing home. That of course was hard. It's still difficult to see my Mom the way she is. I was also super conscious today because the kids were with me - and it can be a little scary to be there. It was. William saw my Mom with no teeth today (her dentures were out) and he asked her "Mamaw, do you have teeth?" then Brian and the kids had to leave the room so my Mom could go to the bathroom and apparently they came across a man without legs in the hallway. I hate that they saw this stuff today. I'm still uneasy seeing things like that, I can't imagine what is going through a 5-year old's mind.

I am really trying to stay positive here - but it's not easy. I don't want my blog to just be a place where I'm constantly bitching about things, but I'm in a funky place these days. And well, I don't know where else to put this stuff.

So, what do you say? Shall I let 'er rip?!

I hate this. I hate that my Mom is basically an indigent. She can't care for herself, she says crazy shit all day long - and the nurses in the facility don't want to deal with her. I know it's hard for them, she lays in bed and yells for them. Especially when Tom is gone, she's pretty upset. And that's just no way to live. I really pray that she doesn't have to suffer like this for long. I feel bad for thinking this way. I don't want my Mom to die. She's not living right now though. Her poor mind is playing tricks on her. There's no difference between reality / dreams / yesterday / 10 years ago.... it's all crazy. Random thoughts. She's sad all the time. She is literally living on an emotional roller coaster. One doctor who saw her last week said that where her stroke occurred in the brain - is the cause of all the emotional outbursts. How terrible. A stroke basically is causing her to be sad ALL THE TIME. She's severely depressed, helpless, hopeless and angry.

I'm sad too. I don't know how to help her. I'm calling people; doctors, etc - but I'm not sure of what else I can do. I feel guilty that I'm not doing more. I feel guilty that I'm annoyed when I visit her because she gets stuck on a thought and goes over it and over it and over it. I feel guilty for saying that I don't want her to suffer like this. Who am I to say that? I have no idea if she will ever be where she was before this last stroke. There's no indication that anything will change, but I'm no doctor. She's on Medicaid, so there's not many doctors who are willing to work with her. That's ridiculous. So what's she supposed to do? Lay in bed until she passes?

What a horrible, horrible life. I feel bad that for most of her life she's been depressed and hasn't had many friends. I worry that I will end up that way. It's terrible.

I think of all the times when I was embarrassed by her - and how shitty of me that was. Yes, I was a kid - but still. My poor Mom. She didn't deserve that. She was doing the best she could and it wasn't good enough. I hope to God my kids don't feel that about their Mom. I just wish my Mom would have made better decisions. I think - THINK - that she's in this predicament because of her decisions. And for that, I can't change a thing. I look at her body - and her health and think that some of that could have been prevented. But could it? That's just my opinion. What do I know?

I'm just sad for her. Sad that she's going through this. I'm frustrated with my step-father because every time I talk to him he's telling me that my Mom was griping at him, or Mom was doing this-or-that to him... and you know what? She can't help it. She's not herself. Her head is messed up. And another thing, Tom - I don't care that YOU'RE tired. SUCK IT UP. Remember those vows: "in sickness and in health"? The next time I call - how about you talk about my Mom, not about how my Mom is affecting YOU?

Okay - enough of the rant. I'm tired. Thanks for letting me get it out. :)

Don't even know what to say

2010-05-05T21:56:00.002-05:00

My Mom is not doing well. It's really, really getting hard. I'm at a place where I just don't know how to get her more help.

She's on Medicaid. A doctor told me today that she is considered a charity case and she is a difficult charity case at that. It's going to be an uphill battle to get anyone to commit to seeing her because she has stage IV metastatic breast cancer and has suffered another stroke. She has some brain damage due to the stroke.

My Mom is 59. I feel so extremely helpless and hopeless right now. I spent a few hours with her last night and she just cried and told me how she doesn't want to be in the nursing home and she doesn't understand what is wrong with her. She's scared. She's confused. She can't differentiate reality from dreams. She's laying in bed. Wearing diapers.

It's awful.

stuck in a rut

2010-04-11T21:35:00.002-05:00

Do you ever feel like your life is on auto pilot? Like everything is the same day in and day out? That's where I am right now. I know it's not the same day in and day out, but I'm just in a rut. I feel like there are things that are just not letting me to be free. I don't know how to explain it. I have had this weird feeling of being trapped lately.

Life's a little hectic right now - which is probably what is causing this sense of frustration. My Mom is in the hospital - going on day 11 tomorrow. She had another stroke.... 11 days ago. She's got to move from the hospital to a rehabilitation center with skilled nurses to help with her recovery. Hopefully we'll find one that's nice and pretty close to home. I have a feeling my step father isn't going to be looking for the same types of things I am. I get frustrated with him a lot when it comes to my Mom and her situation. I don't feel like he pays close enough attention to the details. He can't remember what doctor is responsible for my Mom... what her next steps are, etc. Maybe it's just the impression I'm getting from him? I don't really know. I just don't trust that he's really paying close enough attention.

When we went to the hospital tonight, I stepped out of the room to speak with her night nurse. I asked when the last time my Mom had a bath was... she didn't know, but she assured me she'd ask in the morning. Uh - NO, you'll find out STAT! WTF? I can tell you that it hasn't been recently enough. And my step-dad hasn't asked that? I mean, she'll feel a lot better if she's clean and has clean linens on her bed. Hopefully I made myself clear on how important it was that my Mom get a bath and soon. She can't do it by herself, shit, she can barely walk right now.

We took the kids up tonight to see her and well, that's not always so smooth. I know she wants me to bring them up there - but we get in her little room and William is bouncing off the walls. I know he's only 5 - and he can't help it. But Lord help me - between worrying about her and trying to keep my kids under control, I just might snap. I'm really feeling like I'm at the end of my rope right now.

I just want something good to happen in my life. I just feel like I'm in this mundane middle of life. Nothing great is happening. I'm working really hard - and I'm not seeing a whole lot for it. I just want to feel like something exciting is going on. Is this unrealistic? Or is this it? Is this the rest of my life??

Love is Patient

2010-02-22T22:22:00.002-06:00

It has to be when you're the parent of an almost 5-year old and a 1-year old! William is really communicating his anger and frustrations these days. I had no idea that I'd hear some of the most painful words a child could say at such a young age. I know, he has no idea what those three tiny words really mean. As sweet as it is to hear the genuinely said "I love you" from your child, it's as heart-breaking to hear "I hate you".

Yes, William is aware of his feelings and how bad it feels not to get his way - or even to get his feelings hurt. And at this age, he just wants to hurt you back - as bad as he is hurting. Over not being allowed to have a root beer at 8:15 PM! I'm at the table addressing the invitations for his 5th birthday party, feeling excited about the fun day I've got planned (I already bought party favors, plates, napkins and everything!). One tiny request that goes denied ends up with those three razor sharp words to a Mother's ears.

Love is patient.
A true test of patience is parenthood.
Love is parenting.
Parenting is patience.

Salvation. Army.

2009-12-06T23:11:00.005-06:00

Salvation: the act of saving or protecting from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc.
Army: a very large number or group of something; a great multitude; a host.

There are things that touch me deeply, year after year. This year was a little different. This year was better. This morning, while talking about what the family wanted to do today, I told William that I wanted to pick an angel from the Angel Tree and I spent some time explaining to him what the angel tree was and why we should adopt one of the angels. He seemed intrigued, but as most things do with 4-1/2 year old boys, it was quickly dismissed as something else caught his attention. While we were eating lunch, I pulled out the laptop and did a little bit of research - where we needed to go, etc. I found out that you can actually choose your angel online. You can also shop online and just have your gifts delivered right to the Salvation Army! Although that seems a lot more convenient, I decided we needed to get the experience of shopping for someone in need.

I showed William the website and let him pick the age / gender of the angel. Conveniently, he chose a 4 year old boy who likes Spiderman toys! I finished up my adoption transaction, waited for my confirmation email and we were off. We started at Target to pick out a few toys. William chose a Spiderman helicopter with an action figure. It was challenging to keep him focused - but we succeeded. He asked a couple of times about toys - and could he get this or that.... and I gently reminded him of who we were shopping for today. We then went to The Galleria to pick up some warm clothes and drop off the donations. We chose a long-sleeved Spiderman shirt (just like one we already own), some pants and a jacket. When we finally made our way to the Giving Tree, William asked me if he could give the toy. Of course, I handed over the big box and watched him as he proudly walked up to the table with huge smile on his face to give the Spiderman gift to someone who really, really, really wants it!

That one moment, little glimpse of .05 seconds, I was so proud of my son. I know he doesn't fully understand just yet. I hope today started a new tradition for him though. And I really hope he comes to realize that he's really a lucky little guy. There are times when we all feel pretty crappy about where we are in life. What things we want, we need - and really, there are people who need. I'm fortunate that I'm not one of them.

Warmest Wishes

2009-11-29T20:07:00.002-06:00

So, this is super short and sweet and well, snuggable. Our family photo for our Christmas cards. Thanks to photographer Ben Garrett, family photos are done, just need to get the card designed. I'm actually ahead of schedule. For once! Rather than the traditional family portrait, I opted for something slightly different. We went with a warmer approach, if you will.

Here we are all Snuggie-ed up! I actually bought the whole family Snuggies (as seen on TV) for this pic. The child size was way, way too big for Allison, so she had to go with a blanket sleeper instead. :)

The photo still needs a little retouching to smooth out those harsh highlights on our faces.... but it was too funny not to post now!

Where oh where has the time gone?

2009-09-14T17:27:00.012-05:00

Has it really been FOUR MONTHS since my last post? Holy shitballs. Time flies when you're working like a one armed paper hanger.

So - in the last four months what has been going on? Well, Allison my sweet little girl has grown SO MUCH. She learned to sit up at 7 months, she got her first bottom tooth right at seven months. She learned to crawl - army style on her belly (she's fast too). And now she's already 8-months old and has six teeth (baby Godzilla!) and can crawl (still on her tummy) but get to a sitting position. She's eating like crazy. We began feeding her baby food from a jar at around 5-5-1/2 months... she's done great. She's a little piglet. We've been feeding her jar food for a while and started her on "puffs" - and now we're giving her bits and pieces of real food. She's just so damn cute.

I had these photos taken of the kids back in early August. My adorable little son refused to smile the whole time so I finally grew tired of bribing him for a smile - that we just moved on and did photos of Allison by herself. Maybe next time, little buddy. The photos turned out beautiful. We had the same photographer who took our engagement, wedding and first photos of William take these as well (Amy Twomey). We had a few shots of William that we liked - and wanted to capture the same look of Allison. I swear, they look like the same baby. Allison's hair is darker - and her eyes are hazel, but the shape of their little nose and lips - is identical!
So, next up is soccer for William. We spent last Friday night outfitting my baby Beckham at Sports Authority. I couldn't help but laugh when Brian put the soccer socks on William and they went up over his knee and the heel of the sock was actually just below his calf! And William has small feet - so we had a hard time finding small enough "cleats". In fact, Sports Authority was stop #2. Now he's all set with his shin guards, soccer ball and cleats! We pick up the the team uniform later this week. Go Lucky Tigers. And well, since you know - I'm a goofy Mom, I had to paint a little T-shirt with a tiger face on it for Allison to wear at the games! I was going to put "My Big Brother is a Lucky Tiger" but let's face it, that's a lot of text for a tiny t-shirt. I can't wait to see William playing "follow the ball". I can hear him now "look how fast I can run, Mom". He's soooo competitive - he has to be the fastest of anyone. God forbid he meets a kid that can in fact run faster because then we'll have a real crisis.

I am amazed every day at how lucky I am to have such sweet little angels. I pray that they are healthy and that nothing will happen to them. I'm also pretty damn lucky that Brian is such a great Daddy. My work schedule has been horrible. Just awful for the last several months. He's really been there to take the kiddos to school, pick them up almost every day. These days it's a treat for me to be able to pick them up from school. That means I got off work "early". I miss my little bugs. And at this age, things change so fast if I blink I may miss something! Like another tooth coming through. Or four - in Allison's case. Poor girl, I thought she was going to have the one bottom tooth + one eye tooth (top left) and nothing else. I was thinking "well, I guess I know what to dress her up as for Halloween (a bat)..." but as it turns out, all four of her top front teeth are coming in together. And low and behold, there's another one on the bottom. No wonder she's not been able to go to sleep easily. All the teeth coming in at once? OUCH.

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-11T15:12:00.007-05:00

The day to celebrate these two cuties! We took some photos in the front yard. I asked my dear husband to take some photos of me with the kids - but let's just say, he's not the photographer of the family. He's mastered getting me with my eyes closed or looking elsewhere or just cropping off a body part from the picture. So, I decided to get some of just the kids.

Allison looks just precious - but let's face it, I was working with a ticking clock. There's only so much time you have before these little ones expire. Then there's William. Silly four year old who can NOT take a 'normal' photo to save his life. ahhhhh, the joy! Daddy's going to have a hard time saying no to this pouty face! And what a little lady, doing a curtsy for Mommy. Sweet little toes. Typical 4-year old boy. with bugs. A face only a Mother could love. Finally, a photo of William.

What a day. I'm lucky to have these two little angels. They bring joy to my life every minute of every day.

Time Flies

2009-05-02T18:11:00.005-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted, things are so crazy busy with two little ones. WHOA! William is just as active as ever, we've had at least one birthday party every weekend for the past several weeks, and on occasion - two parties per weekend. This makes for a little bit of stress for Mommy and Daddy!

Allison is doing great, she's getting so big. I have now become obsessed with hair bows for her. I always said that I'd never put one of those headband bow things on my baby girl (this was before I had a baby girl). I recently found a little package of hair bows at Target - which are actually pretty darn cute, and they were only $3 for a pack of four. I immediately put one on her when I got home and it is the cutest damn thing! Even Daddy thinks she's adorable. Since then, I've shopped at Kid Biz where I found more super cute headbands and bows. That trip cost me a little more than $3.

She is smiling and cooing so much now, I actually caught the smile on camera - I could just eat her up! The big toothless smile is the sweetest thing I've ever seen. I think she kind of looks like me here - maybe it's her dark hair, or the smile on her face! Maybe it's because William didn't look like me at all - but now I think he resembles me a little on occasion. It's amazing how they kind of go back and forth and change so much as they grow.

Just Roll With It

2009-04-12T22:50:00.002-05:00

Okay, it's late - so it's a super quick post ... but today while playing on the floor - doing our usual set of 6-8 sit up reps (where I pull Allison up and lay her back down, you know - "core strengthening"!), followed by push ups - otherwise known as 'tummy time', Allison showed me her first trick. She can roll over! From front to back... she did it several times - now we've got a new challenge to add to our repertoire! Yay, Allison!!

Easter's here

2009-04-10T21:49:00.005-05:00

And so is the time for the annual Easter egg hunt at the DLC (William's daycare / pre-school). Every year we bring a picnic lunch and go across the street to the Dallas Museum of Art and watch all the kids find the eggs - then eat out on the lawn. So much fun. Every year, William gets just a little more competitive. I have no idea where this comes from...

And they're off!I found some!This is Allison's first time at the egg hunt. She's not too into yet.

Allison is three months

2009-04-07T22:03:00.007-05:00

Today marks three months for Miss Allison! She's getting cuter by the day. She's in this really smiley phase where she grins real big, cocks her little head to the side and just gives me the gummiest grin ever. It just melts my heart! I can't believe that she's already three months old. Here are some recent photos. She's got those big full pouty lips. She'll grow into them one day....

She'll grow into her hands one day too. Poor thing, they get in the way.
She's tiny, but tough.

Blogger, Facebook, Twitter - what else?

2009-03-31T22:03:00.003-05:00

How many more ways do we need to communicate our thoughts in one line?! Seems like we have a million outlets to share our personal thoughts. I originally began blogging as a way to release my inner voice! Or just a safe place for the random thoughts that get tangled in my head. Then it was a place to log my training when I was preparing for the Ironman. From there it went to a blog about training after the Ironman and then I got pregnant with Allison and it was going to be a blog about my life leading up to being a mother of two. Now it's updates on the family, new photos, random thoughts - and a place to connect my tweets to my blogs to my wall and more!

What next? What's the next thing that I'm going to be expected to know how to do (I work in advertising, remember?) - and not have time for?! Thank God it can all be streamlined. You can stream your Facebook to your Twitter so you only have to update once and people who follow you on Twitter and those who check their friends' status updates can all know that you just watched Bon Qui Qui on You Tube and found it histerical! YAY! For real, if you haven't seen her, you have to check it out. It really is some funny shit.

We live in a multi-tasking world - and all these social networking sites prove it. Anytime someone is doing anything of interest, they post it on FB or Twitter. They're multi-tasking. If they're watching their kids do something great, they share. If a person is in traffic, same story. And why? Why do we care? I don't know why I care - personally - I find it a source of entertainment. I take my iPhone with me when I'm pumping - and I read all the updates about people. I guess now that life is so busy, I still kind of know what's going on with my friends if I can check on their blogs or status updates. Kind of sad? I wonder if there will be some massive 'awakening' in a few years of those who have alienated themselves by socializing solely through these sites. We still need human interaction! We need to touch other people, hug and be hugged. I have this image in my head of a person whose brain just fills up and explodes because there's so much information happening right NOW. There are so many layers of information coming at us. How much is too much?!

I don't know how I got on this tangent. I need to relax. clear the mind. breathe in. breathe out. ahhhhhhh.

So, it's been a couple of weeks since I've posted - there's just so much going on these days and not much time to open the computer and relax. Things are good though. Allison is at the sweet, sweet time of smiling a lot and cooing - and just being adorable. She makes lots of sounds - and she's a busy little girl. Here's a picture of her and big brother William playing on the activity mat. Look how cute. William just loves playing with anything that Allison plays with. He is so good with her. He talks to her and tries to get her to play with her little toys. It's so sweet!

Needless to say, life's crazy busy with two kids and work. I feel like I work two full time jobs. Literally, I get up - go to work, work all day, pick up kids, come home and cook dinner, clean up kitchen, bathe kids, get William to bed, clean baby bottles, get organized for the next day and hit the sack. Brian and I joke that we're living in "Groundhog Day". Every day is virtually the same. In fact, I need to hit the hay now, I'm exhausted and it's only 10:35. Good night.

My little baby boy is FOUR YEARS OLD!

2009-03-16T22:16:00.005-05:00

Where has the time gone?! I know - this isn't the first time I've asked this question - nor will it be the last. Time really does fly by when you have children. My little guy is four years old. I still look at him and see his sweet baby face and on occasion, usually when I'm tucking him into bed - he's still that sweet baby boy who loves hugs and kisses from his Mommy. Then there are times when he's so rambunctious that it wears on my last nerve! And the know-it-all attitude pokes its little head out every once in a while - just to see if it's safe.

William officially turned four on March 11. We celebrated as a family by going to dinner at his restaurant of choice, Rockfish. He wanted some Hush Puffies and cheese pizza! And we ended the dinner by sharing a piece of chocolate cake - which is a little tradition that Brian, William and I started doing about a year ago for each of our birthdays. Then on Saturday, we had the blow-out party at ASI Gymnastics (pronounced "gym-nap-sticks") with 23 of his closest pals. It was a super hero party and all the kids pretended to be super heroes. The gym teachers had little exercises / activities that were super hero-esque to go with the theme. I made all the kids their very own superhero cape for the event and they loved it. I absolutely LOVED seeing them all wearing them while running around. It was awesome!

I don't think Brian thought it was "awesome" the week leading up to the party when I was staying up late to finish up my little project! But, as a friend reminded me, he knew what he was getting into. In fact, at our wedding reception, his toast even mentioned something about when we have kids, he knows they'll have the best arts and crafts projects ..... so, he can't be that surprised that I wanted make costumes for all the kiddos. After the party, my Dad and his GF, Deniece (yes, she spells it this way) came over to hang out as did one of our other friends who has two kids - one that is very energetic - and when he and Will get together, it's wheels off! Let's just say, Dad didn't stay too long. Poor thing, I felt bad. They probably wanted to have some quality time with William and Allison - but it just didn't happen. By the time Sunday rolled around, we were all beat. Allison and I slept until 10:30 then Daddy and Allison took a long nap in the afternoon. William on the other hand was just too excited about all his new toys to sleep much. I think we may have reached our Spiderman limit - and Batman is coming in a close second.

2009-03-07T22:29:00.007-06:00

Mini Mouse

Allison's little friend, her pacifier buddy. It's a little mouse that has an adapter on the back of its head - to hold her paci. It's been great for the car - because I can lay the little mouse on her chest so the pacifier doesn't fall out. Look how cute they are!

Hero or Villain?

This is a picture of William at Tietze Park running around with his Mardi Gras Mask on. I remember there was a little girl that was scared of him - and now that I look at this picture - I can see why! He was just pretending to be Batman....

Family Nap Time

Look how big my baby girl is getting. Her and Daddy's favorite past time, sleeping! Allison loves to nap with Daddy.

Our Little Athlete

William started Soccer Tots a couple of weekends ago. This was his first session - he had a blast. And this is such a great outlet for his energy, not to mention it gives us all something to look forward to on Saturdays.

What a week it's been

2009-03-07T00:06:00.003-06:00

I went back to work. That in itself is enough. I went back to work on Monday, right back into the shitstorm that is my job, my career. Holy Moly - what happened?! Or really - what didn't happen while I was out? And why?! I was hoping some of the projects would have been wrapped up. Looks like only one tiny little thing actually ended while I was out. Everything else started, but my timing worked out perfectly for me to step in and be right back in the middle of it all. So much for easing back into work :(

Add to the whirlwind of going back to work - a little stomach bug and well, that's just the cherry on top. I worked for two days, woke up Wednesday morning and on my way to boot camp, I started having some stomach pains. I really thought nothing of it - so went on with it. During the workout, I was feeling a little weird, got a little overheated and lightheaded. It was kind of weird, but I thought that maybe I just didn't eat enough the day before - so again, just shrugged it off. After the class my stomach was still hurting. I came home, showered.... then vomited. Well, sometimes this happens - so again, I thought I'd just go ahead and get ready for work... and if I got sick again, I'd stay home. Well, it happened again. And again. and again..... OMG, it was the absolute worst thing I have dealt with in YEARS. I was soooo darn sick, Brian came home from work to take me to the doctor. I felt so horrible, I was laying on the table in her office teary eyed and barfing. There are days when I just can't believe I'm a Mother. Here I am, 37 years old laying on the table - can't even hold my body up, I'm so weak. It was just awful. I really wanted to check in to the hospital and get fluids hooked up to me - and something to stop the vomiting. I did leave with an anti nausea medicine which seemed to work. The bad thing about the medicine is that I had to throw away any pumped breast milk - AND the medicine actually dries up your supply; or my supply.

I'm not ready to stop breast feeding yet. I wish I would have known about this little side effect. After a night of not being able to satisfy my daughter's appetite, followed by a day of trying to pump - only to find that the well is drying up, I called the lactation specialist at the Pediatrician's office. She gave me some hope by recommending a couple of things. One is a tea called Mother's Tea - it's supposed to help with lactation if I drink 6 glasses in a day! The other suggestion was an herbal supplement called Fenugreek (both items found at Whole Foods), and she said that oatmeal and chocolate also help with lactation. Hopefully one of these will work. I went to Whole Foods tonight and bought all three. Let's hope this works out.

Quality Time

2009-02-24T21:32:00.002-06:00

As my Mom has been preparing for her surgery, she has been spending more time with us. She has been wanting to spend some last few moments with William and Allison. She came over this afternoon for a few hours and held Allison and watched as William played baseball in the backyard with Daddy and Papaw Tom. I know she's nervous about the surgery although she doesn't say much - I can tell. When she was over today, she was a little sad at times... I can't imagine what must be going through her head right now. I know that my mind has been filled with thoughts and concerns of how she'll make it through and recover from the mastectomy then the reconstructive procedure; all of which take place tomorrow morning. Surely the doctors and surgeons wouldn't schedule the surgery if they didn't think she were strong enough to handle it, right? There are so many what-ifs, this is probably the scariest night of all the nights since her diagnosis.

I'll be going to the hospital tomorrow morning to be with her, hopefully I'll see her before she goes into the O.R. and tell her that we'll all be here to see her when she gets out! Poor Mom, she's just had a rough go of it. I look at her and think that she's aged so much in this one year. All the stress of her life, now the cancer - have really started to take a toll on her. I was thinking today that it would be a real miracle if someone were able to take the weight off her shoulders and let her truly relax. I've not seen the look of content or happiness on her face in years. Years I say. What has happened?

Let's just hope and pray that tomorrow goes well for her and she can move forward with some good news for once.

One More Week

2009-02-22T22:02:00.003-06:00

It's my last week of maternity leave - yep, It's almost been eight weeks. Eight weeks on its own is a long time but when you think of eight weeks of life for my daughter, it's not long at all. I can't believe it's almost time to return to work.

I've been emotional about it these last few days too - just thinking of not being able to hold her in my arms while she's sleeping during the day makes me sad.... and thinking that all day she'll be at daycare - in the arms of someone else - with a different touch, a different smell - is absolutely heart breaking. What if she thinks I left her? OMG. I get so sad just thinking about it again.

This week is going to be a busy one which means it will probably go by all too quickly. I'm supposed to start boot camp tomorrow morning at 5:30 (what am I thinking?!). I thought it would be better to start these classes while I'm still home so I can get used to waking up early again - and when I come crashing down at 3:00 in the afternoon, I'll be home to take a nap! Hopefully I can get acclimated in just one week. I also need to take Allison to meet my Grandmother in Lipan, TX. That's a two hour drive each way - so it's a full day. Then my Mom is having her mastectomy this week, so I'll spend the majority of Wednesday at the hospital with her. Needless to say, I have a lot going on these last few days!

I'll have to follow up on the boot camp classes. Part of me thinks I'm taking on too much by starting this class while Allison is still waking up every three hours to eat because I'll need to get up a little earlier to pump before I leave. On the other hand though, if I don't do it this week while I actually have the option to nap if need be, then I may never do it. AND I really want to have something to keep me motivated so I can shed these last 10 lbs. The class is four weeks long with classes at 5:30 a.m. Mon, Wed, Fri and there are evening classes that start at 6:15 but they don't end until 7:15 and that's just too late! I keep telling myself that I'll get used to waking up that early again - I did it for so long when I was serious about my triathlon training and I actually preferred to get up at the crack 'o' dawn to get my workouts in while William was still asleep so I didn't feel like I was taking time away from him. We'll just have to see how it goes. Realistically though - I'm not quite seven weeks out from having a baby (as of now) - so I may be biting off a little more than I can chew.

Trying to Maintain

2009-02-17T21:44:00.003-06:00

Things have been pretty rough the last week or so. I am certain that I have a colicky baby - holy hell, I was not prepared for this! I've never heard a shriek quite like the one that comes out of my tiny baby's body - and how can she hit such a high note? I'm thinking that Mariah Carey has some serious competition in my little Allison. Damn.

I have been on the fence about colic. I thought she had it - talked to a nurse and decided it was just her "fussy time". So, we've been trying different things to see if we can reduce the crying... starting the whole nightly routine earlier to get her to bed much earlier... etc. But after five days straight , no nights - of screaming and crying, it was time to do something. In the midst of the crying episodes, she also developed a nice little rash on her face an chest. I made an appointment with the doctor. Not just a regular appointment, but an evening appointment. Luckily, my pediatrician's office is open until 9:00 during the week so we set the appt up for 8:30 pm last night. Sure enough, the sirens started blaring while we were there. All the nurses on duty asked me if I'd ever heard of the "Five S's" - which are from "The Happiest Baby on the Block" - and yes, I've heard of them and tried them and still had a screaming child. Finally, the doctor on duty came in to see us and the rash is not pretty, but it's 'normal' and nothing to worry about. It should be completely gone by the age of six months. Now let's talk about this crying stuff. Well, turns out that it's pretty 'normal' as well and not a whole lot you can do about it. I swear, if I hear one more person tell me to "soothe her" and "hang in there" and "do whatever it takes" - I just might lose it.

I'm on the verge of losing it anyways - it's so hard dealing with the constant screaming. Number one: it hurts your ears - I swear, I'm going to be deaf by the age of forty and I know my daughter is going to be rolling her eyes at me every time I say "what?" Number two: it's absolutely heart breaking not being able to make her feel better. I worry that she's in pain - and I can't do anything. Number three: my body hurts so bad from bouncing, swinging, swaying and patting her. Please, please, please let us get through this phase quickly! When I came home last night I watched The Happiest Baby on the Block video again and we're trying to stick with it. Brian's been working on the S's!

Let's just say all this commotion can make a mama tired. I didn't get out of bed today until after noon. I was awake several times feeding Allison, etc - but I'd just go back to sleep. I had my own appointment with the doctor today, I had to get a mammogram. Since I've never had one, I of course was not prepared. I took Allison with me thinking it would be pretty quick. WRONG. We were there for over two hours. The good thing was that I was able to feed her right before - so she wasn't hungry - and I didn't have to pump everything out before the exam. The bad thing is that she was awake and fussy. And now I have to pump and dump until tomorrow morning since I had an x-ray - and she's eating formula. I had no idea about this little detail. My OB/GYN said I should go ahead with the exam even though I was still breast feeding, but she didn't mention the other. The experience of thinking that you feel something in your breast and getting the mammogram and sonogram is a little stressful. Just being in there worrying about it all. The nurses asking questions about how long I've felt it. How big do I think it is? Is it painful? After the mammogram, I'm told I have to get a sonogram - and the sonographer can definitely feel it. She's taking measurements with a ruler - and with the sonogram. All these thoughts are running through my mind. What if it is something? I have two babies, what if it's bad? What if I have cancer? What if something were to happen to me? Yeah, I know - kind of dramatic - but I'm a bit emotional from the lack of sleep I tell ya....

Finally a doctor tells me that they think it's probably nothing - just thicker tissue on the one side and they'll send the results on to my OB/GYN for me to follow up. Whew. Let's just say that between the baby stuff and today's appointment and everything else going on - when I got home I just let it all out. My poor husband probably thinks I'm a lunatic. I feel bad for him hearing a baby cry every night - then seeing his 37 year old wife crying. Damn Gina. Lord hear our prayer.

Exponential Growth

2009-02-12T13:03:00.003-06:00

It's amazing how quickly they grow - and how much in that short amount of time. Yesterday marked five weeks since the birth of Allison, we went to the doctor earlier this week and she's already 9 lbs, 13 oz and 21.5" long! Just since our last appointment (which was only two and a half weeks ago) she's gained one pound and one ounce and grew in length TWO inches! Even the nurse was surprised at how much she's grown since our last visit!

Things are getting better - we're getting a little more sleep - just a little bit. And since I've been reading this new book; Healthy Sleep Habits; Happy Child - I feel that I'm a little more tuned in to her signs of sleepiness. Last night she slept for about 4 hours in between a feeding, the next one she slept almost three and a half.

It's amazing how much they change. It's kind of weird how we wish for time to pass because we know things will get better with time. For example, the first two weeks after being home is really rough so we just work through the first two weeks, then hope to get to week 6 or 7 because the babies typically sleep a little longer and by then we really our rest - and at the end of that time we look forward to the next milestone and so on. Right now I'm really looking forward to the nights where she's not fussy and she sleeps longer than the typical 3 hour stretch. I also look forward to seeing more reactions from her - seeing smiles, hearing her cooing and making happy sounds! No wonder I don't remember my son being so small - maybe because I was always wishing for him to get to the next phase....

Sadly, I'm looking forward to the next phase again! I've been tested for the past few nights with all the crying! Tonight was especially bad - and I'm trying to put her to bed when she starts acting sleepy, but it's not necessarily working. I started writing this entry earlier today, but it's 11:00 p.m. now - and I'm just getting back to it... Allison was really fussy and tonight's been pretty challenging. I had planned on spending some quality time with William by making cookies and finishing up his Valentines for his party tomorrow - which we did, but the incessant crying made it very difficult! Brian and I were literally tag-teaming with kid duties every 45 minutes. William and I made cookie dough, and I got us seated for dinner. I inhale my food then tag Brian. He inhales his food, get's William into p.j.'s, addresses all the Valentine's cards then tags me, we get dough on cookie sheets and in the oven, start cleaning dishes, get first batch of cookies out (William has to taste them), then tag Brian for toothbrushing supervision then getting William into bed. Meanwhile, the crying hasn't stopped!

It gets hairy at times - and brings me to tears more often than I'd like to admit. I just hate the feeling of not being able to soothe my upset child. Nothing I do makes her calm down. It's unnerving. I just can't imagine how anyone is able to do this over and over! That lady with the 14 kids - she just had her octuplets - WTF? How? How in the world is she able to meet the needs of all those kids? I digress....

It's now 11:35 and all the cookies are baked, in tupperware, cards are addressed, baby is sleeping and now Mom and Dad will sleep as well.

For at least the next two hours.

Maybe Longer.

Hopefully Longer.

Please let it be longer!

Confessions of a Stay-At-Home-Mom

2009-02-06T08:51:00.002-06:00

Okay I know, I'm not a true stay at home Mom, just one on maternity leave - but here's some of my observations after being home for four weeks.

My house is NEVER clean - no matter how much I clean (not that I really do that much) - but it's never fully clean even after we have a maid come. I wouldn't notice this if I weren't at home and I'd be none the wiser!

The house needs a LOT of work - the living room could stand to be repainted, the kitchen could use new paint - in fact, anything that is painted a certain cream color - needs to be sanded and repainted because the people who lived here before used two different shades - and in one area they used latex based paint (the horror!). The yard needs to be landscaped (front and back, while we're at it, the side does too). The carpet needs to be replaced, the couches need cleaning, we need to reconfigure the built in cabinets in our living room, the front door needs to be replaced and oh yeah, I need a plumber to run a water line to our new refrigerator... then we need to remodel our kitchen...... It's amazing how overwhelmed I can get myself while I'm sitting on the couch feeding Allison!

How is one ever content? There's always work to be done and not just the daily work of laundry, dishes and general house cleaning... Is it just me? Or are all of you Moms that are at home - in a perfect home?! And if you answer yes, keep it to yourself (HA)!

For those of you who are at home all day - good job! I've got to say, I don't think I could do it all the time!

High Standards

2009-02-03T10:18:00.003-06:00

Last night as I was telling stories to William before bed, he mentions that when he came upstairs today (after school) his bed wasn't made... "I don't like to come home to a messy bed, Mommy".

Whoa! What?! Sooo funny - I didn't think he even noticed when I cleaned his room, apparently he does and that's what is preferred. Of course, I tried hard not to laugh at the time but when I got into bed myself, I told Brian what our darling son told me. We both had a good laugh - little toot.

At one moment he seems so big and 'grown up' at others, he's still my baby boy. Last Friday we went to the mall and he brought his favorite teddy bear (affectionately named "teddy"). Well, he set Teddy down where he and Daddy had been sitting and left him behind. We realized about 15-20 minutes later and went back to rescue the abandoned bear. Wouldn't you know it: it was gone. We then went into search and rescue mode with Brian and William hitting a couple of the nearest stores asking if anyone turned him in and me contacting the lost and found and asking some of the cleaning people... no luck. I then found myself checking out every kid and stroller that passed by us trying to see if someone picked him up. Again, nothing. We left the mall without Teddy.

Later that night when I went to tuck William into bed, he cried for his bear. He had others but he really wanted his special teddy bear. After all, that's the one that Mom just sewed back together the week before and he was the favorite. My heart broke in half. I teared up because I know what it feels like to lose something you really love. The next morning, the first thing William says is "I miss my teddy bear". Again, heartbreak!

Who would pick up a teddy bear at the mall and take it home? Don't people know that it has to belong to someone. Most likely a very young someone that is very attached to such a thing?? It makes me so mad.

In the meantime, William has been sleeping with another "teammate", a stuffed triceratops and just when I thought we were good with the replacement, William tells me how much he misses his Teddy. "Did someone take him home, Mommy?" Why am I so sad when he asks me?! I've called the mall and checked with lost and found again - and he hasn't been turned in. I think he's lost and he's not going to be found, at least not by us.

New Pics

2009-01-29T22:59:00.005-06:00

Sweet angel.

He can leap tall buildings in a single bound - and still finds the time to help little sister with a bath. Precious, isn't he?!

Proud Big Brother.

Coincidental?

2009-01-29T22:33:00.002-06:00

That colic and alcoholic sound so much alike?! I think I may be on to something here...

I am beginning to think that Allison is a colicky baby. Every night around 9:00 or 9:30, she goes into her crying mode. Sometimes the fits last an hour to an hour and a half, other times (like last night) it lasts about 3 hours. THREE HOURS of infant cries. No - SCREAMS and she's completely inconsolable. During our 'episode' last night, I pulled out my book of child care (this has been my bible since William was born), I read about fussiness and colic. Colic is described as crying sessions that occur beginning after 2 weeks of age, up to 3 months, at the same time each day and they last for 2-3 hours each time.... there's more info on it... but this sounded exactly like what I've been experiencing. I'm not sure exactly what the deal is - luckily, I didn't experience this with William.

I did call the nurses at the pediatrician's office and the one I spoke with doesn't think it's colic. She just thinks it's Allison's fussy period of the day since it only happens one time a day - and around the same time. Whatever it is, please Lord - give me the strength to get through it! Or at least a really good bottle of wine to soothe Mom! KIDDING!

Really though, the three weeks have gone by so fast and we're all getting used to the new family dynamic. We've had some challenges with Will - with bedtime and eating and all those fun things - but I have a better perspective on it today. I read a poem written about children and bedtime and their unwillingness to go to sleep. The whole idea was that even though it's frustrating we should enjoy our precious time with the inquisitive minds of our children. It won't be long until they're too busy for Mom or Dad - and they won't need or want to be tucked in at night. I may have to follow up with the poem... it really did shed new light on things for me. Tonight after William's trip back downstairs, I passed baby Allison to Dad and took William back upstairs, got in bed with him and we told a couple of "Billy stories". Then we talked about a few other things and shared lots of hugs and kisses before I left him to fall asleep. I guess the same is true when dealing with my little town cryer. It won't be long before she's too big to swaddle up in a blanket and swing her back and forth in my arms, screaming or not.

Big Brother's Words of Wisdom

2009-01-28T21:55:00.003-06:00

Here it is, 9:56 p.m. and my son is in the middle of his nightly routine of coming downstairs after being tucked in bed... to tell Mom and Dad "things". He just came down to tell us that the TV was too loud for him to sleep and was wondering why Allison keeps crying. He's getting smarter about it, the first thing he does when he comes down is says "I have to tell you something, Daddy.... I love you." Then he starts in with "I have to tell you lots of things. Lots of long things, I have to sit up here on the couch next to you, Daddy and tell you something." Tonight it was "if Baby Allison doesn't fall asleep on her own, you need to PUT her to sleep." Emphasis on Puuuut her to sleep! So funny.... thanks for the encouragement, buddy!

Yeah, it's kind of tough lately getting William to stay on his schedule - with all the changes at home and add to that, the couple of "snow days" we've had... eeks! We recently started a new behavior chart for him to earn a trip to Chuck E. Cheese or a new toy... and it doesn't look like we're going anytime soon! We just can't seem to stay in bed. Or stay at the table while eating dinner.... That's just two of the goals, the others include brushing teeth, use good manners, get yourself dressed in the morning and of course "extra credit" - where Brian and I can reward him for other good deeds. The columns for staying in bed and staying at the table at dinnertime remain sticker free!

I don't know what the deal is with his picky eating. I know that I could have done a better job of making him try new foods earlier on, but it's not like I haven't tried before now - and for the life of me, he will NOT eat vegetables or much of anything. Tonight we went to Luby's with Courtney and Stephanie (when's the last time you ate at Luby's?!) - and I should have known it was going to be trouble when I saw William holding his nose as we were walking down the food line... he said all the food was stinky! Then the servers put his broccoli on top of his spaghetti: BIG MISTAKE!! He didn't eat anything but a few bites of Dad's cornbread and some bites of dessert. Ahhh well, at least it was only $2 for kids tonight. The tough part though is sending him to bed hungry, but what's a Mom to do? How can I show him I'm serious about changing his eating habits?

Some things I can live with - like him wearing his pajamas all day long... he LOVES his Superman P.J.'s - and really, who cares if he wants to wear them? When else in your life can you get away with that? And if it makes him happy, so be it. I want to be a parent that allows my children the freedom to express themselves... and if expressing himself in the way of a superhero every weekend is the worst that can happen, well - I'm lucky!

My Big Girl

2009-01-22T22:23:00.003-06:00

Well, yesterday marks two weeks since Baby Allison arrived. She's doing well, we had our two week check-up today, she's gained plenty of weight, she's now 8lbs 12oz! She's gained almost a full pound in a week and a half! Good Girl.

As predicted, things have been up and down. I had a great day on Sunday, actually got out to the lake and ran for the first time, and it felt amazing. The weather was beautiful, sunny and cool. I did 35 minutes of 5 minutes of running / 1 minute of walking and logged in just over 3 miles. Not much but a lot at the same time. I ran into a few friends out there and that is always encouraging... I love the weekend mornings out at the lake. It's rare that I'm out there and don't see a few people I know.... it just felt good to get back to doing something 'normal' and doing something for myself. Now if I can get more sleep during the week, I could get up and join my buddies and get in more running / socializing.

After my Sunday morning high, we hit an all time low on Sunday night. Allison had her roughest night yet - she went into her high pitched screaming mode for over two hours straight. I didn't know what was causing her discomfort and unhappiness. I fed her, changed her, burped her... even pulled all her clothes and diaper off - then gave her new pajamas, new diaper... tried to feed her again... put her in the swing, swung her in my arms, sang to her... you name it. Even put a little Mylicon in her tummy. I really think she had gas in her belly.... finally after a long, LONG time, I went to bed at nearly 3:00 a.m. The good thing is that I knew this day (or night) was coming. I remember experiencing this exact same kind of night with William just a few short years ago... same kind of thing... crying fit, late in the evening... I tried everything, in fact when Brian got up the next morning, he came into the nursery to find me asleep on the floor with William asleep in his car seat - and the car seat sitting inside the crib. Talk about crazy! You'll try just about anything when you're operating on little or no sleep at all. Either way, it helped to know that I had been through nights like Sunday before - and I would survive it - and look, I did.

Monday wasn't as bad - I thought we were going to have a repeat of Sunday night, but luckily the early crying didn't last too long. Ahhhh, the joys of a newborn. I remember thinking that the first two weeks were hell the first time around. This time has been so enjoyable. Not that I didn't enjoy my time with William, but the second time isn't quite as stressful. I'm not constantly questioning whether or not I'm doing the right thing. I've actually just gone with my gut and it feels good!

Allison's First Photo Shoot

2009-01-16T13:57:00.002-06:00

Here are some pics that I took of Allison - just playing with the camera.... what a sweetie, so innocent!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2009-01-15T09:31:00.004-06:00

And I'm not just talking about the new addition to our family! Wow, we've changed some diapers in the one week baby girl has been here! Geez, I had forgotten how many diapers one little person can go through.

She's a sweetheart though - yesterday was her one week birthday and she's doing great. We celebrated by getting out of the house for the first time (quick trip to Target for more diapers!). The family is getting adjusted, the sleep or lack thereof isn't nearly as bad as I remember the first time around.

The hardest thing to me has been balancing the attention between William and Allison. I think I worry more - that William's feelings are going to be hurt when in reality, he's probably fine. His behavior has slipped a bit, and now that we're over the one week hump - it's time to nip it in the bud. I understand that we should have patience with him... but at the same time, I don't want any bad habits to form. He seems to want any kind of attention - positive or negative right now. The past two mornings have been hell for Daddy. Brian's had a tough time getting him ready for school and out the door in a reasonable amount of time. Yesterday, I was sleeping and I heard Brian get out of the shower and come into the living room to check on our little guy... then I hear a big sigh followed by "William, why did you take your clothes off?" So, I got out of bed, helped William get all his stuff together and get out the door. Thank goodness Daddy doesn't have to work in an office where he has to be there at a certain time. This morning wasn't a whole lot better either. Next week, we'll just have to get serious about the discipline.

Now I just need to figure out how to work on our sleeping schedule with Allison. Yeah, I know - it's a little early to talk about "schedules", but I notice a pattern now, so why not try to change it now?! I notice she seems to wake up around 9:30 pm - and stay awake and active until around 11:00 or 11:30 p.m. Right when I'm getting into bed to sleep for a few hours, she's waking up! I've been trying to stimulate her and keep her awake from 6:00 p.m. on... but she sleeps like a champ! She barely budges - I tickle her feet, unwrap her blanket, change her diaper.... tonight, we're moving bath time to 6:30 or maybe a little later. For sure that will keep her awake! I have forgotten what is and isn't realistic as far as timing goes on everything... we'll just keep trying. :)

Allison's Home!

2009-01-09T21:01:00.007-06:00

Ahhhh, we're home! It feels so good to be here with our baby girl!

What a journey it's been! The blog title is 1.14.09, but she was born a week early, so 1.7.09 is the actual birth date! Thank goodness we went in early, Allison was a big girl weighing in at 8lbs, 7oz. Actually, the delivery part wasn't tough, it was actually so much easier than the first time around. It went great. The hospital called us around 5:15 on Tuesday evening and said we could come on! I thought it would be fun to have a "picnic dinner" at the hospital, so we packed up some peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for William and on the way, Brian stopped at Jason's Deli to get us some sandwiches too.

We got checked in and headed up to the room. William and I had fun setting up the picnic - well, he really enjoyed exploring all the buttons and controls on the hospital bed while I set up....

The doctor came in, took my vitals, took some blood and it was about time to get things rolling. Daddy and William went home to get some rest and the doctor gave me the Cervidil. When I was pregnant with William, I was induced the same way and I didn't have any contractions until morning. This time however, the contractions started pretty quick so it was a long night. I finally

She had a little bit of trouble during delivery - her shoulder had to be collapsed (ouch) and the cord was wrapped around her neck. I didn't realize it at the time, but after delivery the nurses were working on her - then they called for help. They hit the "code" button and the doctors came scrambling. Apparently she wasn't as reactive as she should have been. She made a couple of tiny cries, but she seemed "stunned" and kind of out of it.

I didn't realize how serious things had gotten until later - when I overheard our nurse saying that she had two bad days in a row - with two tough deliveries, mine was one of them. I guess I wasn't as shocked - because William also had some small issues after delivery. He had to go to the NICU for a bit, so with both babies, I didn't get to see them / hold them until at least an hour and a half after they were born. Talk about frustrating! Everyone had seen Allison but me. Brian had been up to the nursery, my Mom, Dad - and they all said she looked good. After about an hour I was getting irritated with hearing how she looked and how she was doing. I wanted to see her myself damnit!

All turned out well, she's totally fine - except for a few bruises... she got a little black eye during delivery. Poor baby girl looks like she was beat up!

Here she is, in all her glory: Allison Elizabeth Hasenbauer!! Welcome sweet angel!

Stuck between a rock.....

2009-01-04T21:44:00.004-06:00

I'm in such a state of frustration and indecision right now. I am about to have my second child - any day now and I am walking on eggshells with my Mother about everything. First of all, if you're reading this - read with caution because some people would probably not understand how I can feel the way I'm feeling.

Here's the deal: my Mom has cancer. My Mom is a victim of life. Literally, a victim of everything and I'm having a real hard time with it. I somehow have a different gene that makes me fight for things rather than to sit back and let things happen. I have a very, very challenging time understanding my Mom's point of view (pre-cancer) - and my Mom's attitude towards life.

I didn't grow up with my Mom, maybe that's why I have a hard time connecting. I grew up with my Father and a 'variety' of step-mothers. Not that it was the best situation, but I didn't choose it and I can't change it - so it is what it is. Or was. And that's probably why I am this way, a fighter. I knew I didn't want the life I was raised in. I didn't want the life I saw from either parent. I knew at a young age that I wanted things to be a lot different. I didn't know if they would happen, I guess when I was younger, they were simply dreams.

So - I've had this drive in me for years to do things my way. Anyone who knows me well, knows this about me. I can be a stubborn shithead. I am this way in my work life and my personal life and I know what I want and I don't settle for less. I don't see this as a problem. To say it as bluntly as I just have, it sounds kind of shitty, but it's not. I just want better things for myself and for my family. I take control of the things I can have control over. Again, I don't sit and wait for things to happen and then complain if they happened in a way that I didn't like.

And that's where I am having problems. My Mom is going through cancer. She is going through her chemo and waiting for things to be better. She's getting through, but it's been tough. I can't even say it's been that long, because in all honesty, it's only been six months since she was diagnosed and she's already had four rounds of chemo - and she goes in for another MRI next week.... so to me, that's not been too long. In fact, I find it frustrating to hear her complain about how she just wants it to be over with. Right now. Tomorrow. She wants the doctors to do "X" right now. She's sick of cancer, sick of people asking her about it, sick of talking about it. I can see that yes, it can wear you down - but cancer is not a disease that will go away with the snap of a finger. It's a long process and I think that attitude plays a HUGE role in how you deal with your cancer and your recovery process. I don't think it's healthy to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. I don't think it's healthy or responsible to depend on your husband to figure everything out for you then complain when he doesn't - and especially after 25 years of marriage act surprised that he's the same ol' guy he's always been.

So, I'm about to have this baby girl - and you know, I'd really, really like to have my Mom show some interest. I know, she's sick. I KNOW. But what YOU don't know is that this is not new behavior. She wasn't that interested when I was pregnant before. Or maybe my interpretation of 'interest' is skewed. Is it wrong that I would like to have a Mom come over and help me prepare for these life changing events? Weddings / Babies - is it wrong to want my Mother to be a part of it? Just like I said earlier though - about her - she shouldn't act surprised by her husband's lack of support now - if he wasn't too supportive before. I should follow my own advice. I shouldn't be surprised or disappointed - when this isn't new for me either.

And actually, while I'm writing about it, I shouldn't sit and feel sorry for myself that I don't have a Mom to help me out with things. So why does it hurt? Because I do call her almost daily - or at least every other day to see how she's doing and how she's feeling. And she fills my ears with complaints about her husband, her apartment, her everything and fails to ask me about my life or my pregnancy or if she can come over and spend time with her Grandson. It would be so much easier if I just didn't have to deal with it. That's sad. There's so many of my friends that don't even have the option - because their parents are no longer here. I have my Mom but I don't have my Mom. She's here but in her own world - that I don't understand. After 37 years, I doubt I'll ever understand.

So the whole planning on this baby to come has been a bit of a challenge. I'm worried that I'll go into labor in the middle of the night and we won't have anyone to watch William. So Brian will have to stay home and I may have to have baby Allison by myself? Which makes me super sad. Since she hasn't arrived on her own yet (still 2 days to go) we'll be inducing labor on Tuesday evening. When we did this with William, the doctor induced me at night, I didn't go into labor until the next morning. What if this time it happens much quicker? Our current plan is for Brian to take me to the hospital and come home to get a good night's sleep and take care of our little guy. He'll then take him to day care and come to the hospital. My Dad is supposed to come over that afternoon, to the hospital - then to take care of William at our house so Brian can stay with me for the first night in the hospital (and this is where my Mother has gotten her feelings hurt) - then Brian will stay the next night at home then he and William can pick me up - and we all go home.... that's if everything goes as planned.

However, being realistic - we need a back-up plan. And a back-up to our back-up plan. So we asked my Mom if she could be our back-up plan. In the event I go into labor in the middle of the night Tuesday night, can we call her and she can come over and stay with William? Well.... let's see - hopefully my step-dad will be around with the car..... hopefully she'll be feeling okay.... hopefully my step-dad could come with her... hopefully she'll be able to make it to her Dr. appointment that next morning.... SHIT. Then she goes on her rant about my step-father and his lovely attributes - and every other complaint she's got... and all the while, I'm on the phone listening... again. Finally she stops and asks "are you there?" I say "yes". She says "well, you're not saying anything". "I know, but I don't know what to say, Mom". She says "I just need someone positive to talk to and to be upbeat."

I've listened to this over and over and over and over. I listen then I hang up then we talk again - and it's the same old story. Well, what about me? What about what I might need? Or should I not need anything because you are going through a lot right now? That's where my head's been for the past several months. To let her vent and me not say anything about me or what I may be feeling, etc. But today, I just couldn't help it. I finally said well what about me? What if I need someone upbeat and positive to talk to? And that was the beginning of the end..... her accusations of me trying to tear her down and make her feel bad.... and all the emotions of a victimized person.

Here I sit with all this stuff - and I just keep thinking that it would be so nice to have someone take care of me for once. Really, I know I'm tough - and I'm a take charge kind of girl - I make things happen and make decisions but I would so love to be taken care of just a little bit too. I guess you can't have it both ways... I don't know. Why can't you? Why can't someone just take care of me?

Waiting for the ball to drop!

2009-01-02T21:44:00.004-06:00

It's almost time - or so I've been thinking for the past several days - all day, all night. Ahhh it's that point in my pregnancy where I'm just consumed with the when? Today? Tonight? Tomorrow? I'm prepared, I think. The room is ready, the clothes have been washed, the hospital bag is packed... now it's just the waiting game. At least I know that if baby Allison decides to wait too much longer, we're going in to be induced. That's right, next Tuesday night, the 6th I'll be checking in to the hospital in hopes of having a healthy baby girl by the 7th!

Life is about to change again. I wonder what she'll look like, who she'll look like - if she'll be healthy... so many what if's. Now that she's almost here, I can't stop thinking about the "what-if's", what if she has a birth defect? What if she has problems during delivery? What if she has colic? What if I forgot how to do all this?!

I know, I'm probably obsessing about nothing, but that's where I am - waiting and obsessing!!

In all honesty, I'm a little nervous about the whole delivery process again. I'm not going to lie, I don't like the thought of the pain, the after effects of having a baby, the whole hospital experience isn't necessarily a fun one - but the reward is sooo worth it, I just need to focus on the end result!

So, New Year's Eve 2008 was a little laid back - we had two other couples and their kids come over for dinner and games. We managed to eat dinner and that's about it! The 3 three and a half year olds were C-R-A-Z-Y! I was somehow thinking that they'd stay upstairs in William's room and play with his toys and games or watch movies and we could all hang out downstairs.... well, not so much! The kiddos were running all over the place and the party wrapped up by 9:45 p.m. After we got everything cleaned up, the three of us stayed up and watched the ball drop in New York - then we watched the countdown in Dallas... yes, we were up past midnight with William! What were we thinking?! HA. It was fun, we had a great time all of us relaxing on the couch and counting down the seconds to 2009.

Now it's time for the resolutions, right? Well, I've got plenty as they relate to someone else - for William my resolution is to have him eat healthier. We've got to get him eating more vegetables and less carbs (or what I call "brown foods"). He loves his chicken nuggets, corn dogs (at least we go with Morning Star), pizza and spaghetti.... but we have got to introduce some variety into his diet. I swear that with the next one, I'm not going to do a separate meal every night! I think when William was getting old enough to eat real foods, Brian and I always ordered things from the kids menus at restaurants.... well, guess what's on there? Yep, chicken nuggets, french fries, pizza.... exactly what he eats. We're going to try like hell to introduce real foods to baby Allison early on. I've witnessed the success of this - Stephanie has somehow managed to have her baby girl eating everything - including tomatoes and olives. FOR REAL and she's only one!!

For Brian, it's also getting healthier - managing portions at mealtime, intake of diet beverages, etc.... for myself - the obvious - losing weight (post baby + a little extra) and of course getting back into shape. I've started recruiting training partners for a half ironman next summer!! I still need to pick a race to train for - and I know this will give me a nice kick in the pants to help me on my way back to being fit! I just don't know about juggling training with two children! Whoa mama!! It will be about balance though, not racing, but training for fitness. Plus if I can make time to do things I love (swimming / biking / running) I know it will make me happier and in turn will make me a better Mommy and wife. For me, I have to be active to be happy with myself. I've still been out walking a few times a week - just because of my love for spending time at the lake with friends doing my 'normal routine' albeit a little slower than usual, it's still been so uplifting to get up early, meet my friends and do a workout. It's actually funny now how walking 6 miles wears me out. The last two times I've walked (New Year's Eve morning and the Sunday morning prior), it kicked my butt. We walked six miles in about an hour and a half... and I took a serious nap on both days - I was soooo worn out afterwards. It felt the same as if I had run 10 miles or more when I wasn't pregnant! I think I may need to cut back on the distance this weekend, just in case.... I'd hate to wear myself out too much before the baby arrives!

Other than the health related resolutions, I'd like to resolve not to work so much!! That's probably out of my control, but I really, really need to have less stress at the office. This will be a whole new challenge I'm sure, as I try to balance working full time with an infant and my pre-schooler. What have I gotten myself into?! The question that continues to circle in my head these last few days! What will tomorrow bring? How are we going to do this?! What were we thinking?!! :)

I can't wait to see -

Christmas and other updates!

2008-12-25T23:50:00.002-06:00

Merry Christmas!

Wow! What a long few days it's been, good - but long! Yesterday, was the traditional Weaver family Christmas celebration at my Grandparents' house, otherwise known as "the farm". Every year we all go down to Lipan, TX (far, far away) - and spend Christmas Eve with my Dad's side of the family. This year was a little different, of course - since my Grandfather passed away this summer.... but everyone still had a good time. My aunts, uncle, cousins, 2nd cousins and more all come over. We do the "White Elephant" Christmas thing - where everyone brings a gift and we draw numbers... and steal from each other - SO FUN. It's not about the presents - it's so fun to see who brings what and who steals from who! It's all the adults that do this - and some of the 'adults' are 23 - while others are over 60 - so, it makes for an interesting mix of gifts! This year, I ended up with a jalapeno roaster. It's something that goes on the grill and you put stuffed jalapenos in it to cook / roast them. Hmmmmm. Maybe one day someone will show us how....

So, after we do the traditional stealing of gifts, we open presents for real. And this is for all the smaller kids. Well, there's a lot of people there - and a lot of confusion - several people grabbing gifts, calling names, making piles.... just crazy. So the gifts were going - and William and I found a place out of the way to sit - and he was watching everyone - and waiting... waiting for his gift, or his name to be called because someone read a gift tag that said "William". He asked me if he was going to get a present.... time is going by..... he asks if his name is going to be called..... still, nothing...... he tells me "Mommy, if I don't get a present, I'll be so sad". Oh my goodness, my heart is literally breaking. I'm thinking "they'll find his presents any minute now".... and the gifts are almost all handed out, my young cousins are right next to us opening presents.....

Finally, my eyes are starting to tear up a little, I get up and quietly ask my Dad (who was playing one of the Santas) if there was a gift for William? My Dad looks a little nervous and says "well, yes, of course".... and he goes to ask my Grandmother.... and they realize that William's bag of presents had been accidentally placed in someone else's pile. Holy Cow, I was so, sooooo upset by this point. I was thinking three steps ahead - and how I was going to have to explain to my 3.5 year old son why he didn't have anything. I'm starting to get sad again now, just thinking about it. Thank goodness, I didn't have to - but the fact that I'm nine months pregnant, and just a little hormonal, didn't help. Once the tears started, it was hard to stop them. So, I kind of hid in the back bathroom until I could pull it all together again! Luckily, nobody noticed (except Brian) - because everyone was busy doing their own thing.

That was one of those moments where it's that Mother's Love - you just can't explain it.... but you don't want your child to be hurt in any way - their little feelings to be hurt - or for them to be left out. It's not about someone buying my son presents at all - it's about him being so young and not being able to comprehend why he might not have received anything - and knowing that no matter what you do / say, you can't erase the hurt feeling. I just kept thinking over and over... I can't open a single gift until my son is taken care of. I would trade anything to make sure he was happy, you know? It's not a life or death situation by any means, but it was so crazy how emotional I was about it.

We didn't leave my Grandmother's house until almost 11:00 p.m., which means we got home in Dallas really late and still had to play Santa! It was fun though, Brian had already put some of the toys together - so it was pretty easy.

We all slept late this morning. I kept waiting for William to wake up and find his presents... I even woke up early, put on some pants, grabbed my camera and got back in bed just so I'd be ready when he came downstairs! At one point, I remember Brian turning over in bed and laughing because I had the camera with me! Hey, what can I say? I didn't want to miss anything!! Sure enough, William woke up - you could hear him come downstairs, look at what Santa left for him - then footsteps running to our room. "Mommy, Daddy - Santa came and he brought me a Spiderman scooter". It was so fun! This is probably the first Christmas where he really "gets it". It was really sweet to watch him get so excited about his toys.

Brian and I did pretty well this time around too, about not going too crazy. Of course, the economy has been bad, no Christmas bonuses - and a new baby on the way... we had to scale it back quite a bit this year - and it was great. William's toys were thought out - and we didn't just buy a bunch of stuff just for the sake of having more. He has played with every single thing we got him - he played ALL DAY!

It was nice - I cooked Christmas dinner and my Mom, Step-Dad, brother, his GF and her 13 year old son came over. There were eight of us total - and it was nice to have my family here. I honestly didn't know until yesterday that everyone was coming over. I actually cooked for everyone - got out all the Christmas dishes and everything. I'm glad my Mom was able to be with us - she was on the fence about coming because her hair has fallen out - and she didn't have any money to buy gifts and all that. I told her that if I had to come pick her up and make her come over, I'd do it! I knew she'd have a good time - and nobody cares if she brings us anything... we just want her to be with us. She was also worried that William would ask why she was wearing a hat... honestly, there were about 10 different 'reasons' on why she didn't think she'd be coming over .... but somehow, she made it - and we're so glad she did!

With things the way they are this year - my Mom being sick and the economy situation being what it is... it actually turned out to be one of the better Christmas holidays - maybe this is what we need to keep us grounded... to remember what really is important. Not gifts - but family and spending quality time together while we have it. Christmas really is about the kids - the smiles on their faces, the look of surprise and the belief of magic - seeing that and spending the past two days with my family were awesome!

Merry Christmas again!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T14:09:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving has always been pretty busy for me. On the eve of Thanksgiving, I would stay up late preparing food, cooking, baking, etc. Then I would get up, run the Turkey Trot with the other 15-20K people in Dallas, then I would come home and finish cooking getting ready for my family to come over. In the past it would be my Mom, Step-dad, Brother, nephew, Brian and sometimes a friend or two. This year is pretty quiet, just Brian, William and I at home. No cooking this time around. I figured it would be a small group (not sure if my Mom would feel up to coming), so I decided to order the Turkey Feast from LaMadeleine. All I have to do is heat and serve.

I didn't get up and run the Trot either. I decided yesterday that I really wasn't up to going downtown to fight the crowds for me to walk. The two distances they have are 3 miles (which would be too short for all the hassle) or 8 miles (wasn't sure I'd want to be out there THAT LONG), so another pregnant friend agreed to meet me at White Rock Lake for a 6 mile walk instead. As we were walking, I noticed how calm the lake was. There was no wind, there weren't many people out either. Mostly people walking with dogs or babies. The trees are changing colors (yes, we see it here in TX) and the weather was perfect. I just had a nice calm, relaxed feeling. When I got home, William was ready for a bike ride, so Brian got him all set - I grabbed the dogs and we went out as a family for a stroll around the neighborhood and a stop at the playground.

It's been so laid back and relaxing. I was thinking to myself that I could be feeling sad that it's just the three of us this year, but you know - I'm really happy. I'm happy that we're a happy little family and it doesn't take much for us to have fun. I'm thankful for what we've got, for where we are right now. The fact that it is a quiet Thanksgiving for us gives me the time to really think about what I have to be thankful for.

I am so fortunate for so many things - going back to my younger years, there were some tough times. Family issues, just all kinds of funkiness. I am so lucky to have had friends that talked to their parents about what I was dealing with - and for those friends' parents to take me in to their homes and treat me as if I were one of their kids.... and help me to make decisions. Looking back, I can't remember all the details - but I do remember the people who looked out for me. Who took care of me. Who knew that the situation I was in wasn't good and they wanted to help. So many people aren't fortunate enough to have that. I don't know how I had it, quite honestly. I just got lucky, I guess. I think about that often because I was young and probably didn't express my gratitude the way I should have. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do next. How I was going to get to the next step - whether it was graduating high school, going to community college, working to pay for everything..... I am so lucky to have had the support that I did. I know I didn't show it then, but I am so thankful. I do think about it all the time, that I could have easily gone in a different direction and ended up with a completely different life. But somehow, by the Grace of God, I didn't!

I am also so grateful for the friends I have now. It's not as easy to have close friends as you get older and of course once you get married and start a family, you have to work at those friendships to keep them alive and growing. I'm thankful I've got some really great friends who I can talk to, laugh with, cry with and we can miss seeing each other for a couple of weeks but when we get back together, we pick right back up where we left off.

I am so thankful of William's God Parents. They did something so amazing for our son that I still don't know how to express my gratitude. It's really nice when people do special things for you. But when someone does something so special, so thoughtful for your child or children, you just can't put into words how it feels. I don't think I've ever felt it like I did until this week. William's God Parents started him a college savings plan as a Christmas gift this year. Yes, Brian and I save money - and have plans to send our children to college, but this is something that we've talked about doing, been meaning to get started and all that.... and they did it. They are looking out for our three year old son's future. Now that's something that is truly, truly special. They have a child of their own - and are expecting number 2 - and yet they still gave William such a thoughtful and generous gift. So, yes - I have them to be thankful for.

There's so much going on in the world right now that could easily get you down and I just want to focus on what is good, because so many things are good in my life. So many things. I have a precious son who I couldn't love any more! He's the best thing I've ever done in my life. I have a wonderful husband who puts up with my craziness (obsessive / compulisve tendancies?!) and who loves me. We are embarking on a new chapter of our lives and it's great to have him by my side looking forward to the new experiences as a family.

So for today - and tomorrow, and the next million days, thank you. Thank you to those special people in my life who have made me who I am today. Without you, life would not be the same.

Productive Weekend!

2008-11-23T22:39:00.012-06:00

This weekend was one full of work. Non-stop work, getting the house cleaned / organized and rooms shifted. We finally got the upstairs room finished and moved William up to his new "big-boy room". He loves it! He's spent so much time up there playing - he didn't want to get out of the house all weekend! I couldn't be happier with how it turned out.

Here's the before photos: This is the room (color that it was painted when we bought the house 3 years ago! Not really much purpose, although Brian did consider this his office until recently. Let's just say, Brian didn't really make it into much of an office - we had a couple of desks thrown up there, the futon and some other crap. It was 75% office, 25% storage. It was a mess.

The blue tape is where we measured for the TV cabinet. A friend of ours gave us the suggestion to tape everything off so there would be less room for mis-interpretation when it came time for the work. Thanks, Courtney!! It really helped for Brian and I to see it (and we made some adjustments) and of course, it allowed us to give clear direction to the workers.

The next photo is where we marked the floor for the wall to be built and the shelving - how wide we wanted it and how high we wanted each shelf....

And this last "before photo" shows where the corner built in shelves will go - this will be for all the books / toys. So, as you can see, we really had a blank canvas to work from. The thing is - I never really wanted to go upstairs because I thought it was a funky room, but now.. I love it! I've probably been up there more in the last 5 days than I have since we've lived here. It's amazing what a difference it has made.

Here are the "after photos:

TV cabinet - built from wood, the wall behind it is actually at an angle, so we had the cabinet built where it's a little larger on the left than on the right, so we could get a nice straight line across the front. There are also little shelves on the left side of the cabinet too. And here is the "after" for the corner bookshelves and the half wall built in. Now, I know - it's hard to tell whether or not it looks good, but trust me, it does. And the color of the walls makes it look that much better!

So, here are the real after photos. We've moved our little man upstairs for real, his toys and furniture are in place. Now you can really see the transformation. Talk about a bachelor pad! I should consider putting a small refrigerator up there and stock it with chocolate milks! Would he not be the super stud?! Ahhhh, to be a 3 year old! So, needless to say, a lot of work was put into finishing this little project up over the weekend. I still have a few more things to do - there's a night stand that will go next to the bed (in place of the green chair shown), our backs were hurting so bad tonight after everything else - to carry it upstairs! We hung curtains last night - and that was a total nightmare. Holy crap - number one: hanging curtains with an odd shaped ceiling = royal pain in the arse. We had to find hardware to hang from the ceiling... then I didn't realize my curtain rod didn't come apart the way I thought it did... so we had to remove the hangers, place the curtains on the rod then put the hardware in... UGGGhhhh. And I still need to make some adjustments. That took nearly 2 hours of labor and a test of marriage all on a Saturday night. Whew!

We also put the nursery together this weekend. Brian pulled the crib out, bassinet, etc. We made a huge amount of progress in there too. I just need to hang the curtains, clean the clothes and put them in the dresser - AND if my cushions would ever arrive for my rocking chair - I'd be done! It's amazing to be putting together a baby room again. It's been so long since William was in that little bassinet or crib! And now the room has lots of pink - and lots of flowers. So different! William calls it his "baby sister's room". Mom, are you in my baby sister's room? SOoo adorable. I know this isn't some super fancy designer bedroom, but what this is - is straight out of my head. I had imagined how I wanted William's room to look so long ago. I talked to Brian about it - then I had to convince him to do it, or to allow me to get it done. I drew pictures (yes, with graph paper and everything) so he could see what I wanted to do. Then I marked up the room w/ tape - and he helped towards the end.... but now that it's done... I know the room now has a purpose and makes our home that much better. Not to mention that William is extremely happy. Job done!

Finding the Humor

2008-11-10T22:50:00.003-06:00

Today was Mom's surgery. I went to the hospital but got there just as they wheeled her back, so I didn't get to see her beforehand. BUT, I did get to wait for two hours in the surgery waiting area. I was cracking up at the volunteers. It sounds mean, but I wasn't making fun of them, I was simply finding the humor in what was going on. Here are people waiting for their loved ones to come out of surgery and there's this little old lady with her white pants, cream colored turtle neck sweater, pink vest (volunteer vest) and her matching pink cane. Oh, and her pink tinged hair. She was elderly, couldn't stand up straight... maybe about 5'2" if she could.

She was a little pistol! It was 7:00 a.m. and she was running a tight ship. Anyone that walked in to the waiting area, she had to get their name, patient's name, etc. Then if anyone left for a minute (even to go to the bathroom), she wanted to know who they were, where they were going and when they'd be back. Just in case anyone called looking for them! It was awesome to see the reactions on peoples' faces, I was really wishing I would have had a video camera.

I don't know what her name was, but let's call her "Betty" - that sounds like a nice fire-cracker type of older lady name, right?! Betty was responsible for keeping the coffee maker going and she had requested decaf coffee a good 30 minutes ago - and still hadn't received it. Everyone in that dang waiting room knew about it! And about her working on Thursday where it took TWO HOURS to get some stir sticks! I was laughing for a while then I started to get annoyed. Two hours of waiting to hear about my Mom, listening to Betty. My Mom is fine, she actually went home today. Betty: Ahhhh, she must have been there for comedic relief though. Seriously, it did make me smile.

8B

2008-11-09T21:18:00.002-06:00

That's my new nickname at work. Why? Because I rocked the magic eight ball costume and won the contest at work. That's right, suckas!! WOO! Turns out it was a good idea after all. Of course, we'll have to see if I've done any permanent damage to my unborn child by "shaking my magic 8 ball" all day long. Honestly, I think it may have been my 'actions' that really sealed the deal. I really worked it for the crowd! HA. I even had 15 different answers!!

Halloween was fun. Tiring, but a lot of fun. William really enjoyed himself - and is so big now that he doesn't need anyone to walk up to the front door with him anymore. Instead, we're told to wait on the sidewalk! We went down to the Swiss Ave. area again (thanks to Brenda and David for having us over), this has become the tradition for all of us. We get there before dark, bring food and drinks - take the little kiddos out before it gets late or crazy and then come back to the house to hand out candy to all the big kids. Lots of fun....

My pregnancy is still going well, I've got about 8.5 weeks to go - not long at all. I am getting a little nervous because I still haven't begun to work on the nursery. We just got Brian's office moved out of the house and the construction hasn't begun on the upstairs room (William's future bedroom). We had a little delay last week, the guys that are supposed to do the work still needed to finish up another project. When I called them this week, they said they could start today, and the main guy would call me back to set up a time. Well, I hadn't heard from them at 10:30 this morning, so again, I called. Turns out they still had some finishing up to do with that other project and couldn't get to me today. Okay, again: I'm 31 weeks pregnant!! No more time, guys. I stood firm and said they had to come today so I could go pick out all the materials (paint colors, wood trim, etc). We went back and forth a few times and finally, we agreed. Or they agreed to get their butts over to my house today (this evening). Brian and I had already spent the time clearing out the room and taping off the floor and walls to show them where we wanted everything built - and to what size. I just needed to know what to buy for them to get started.

I can't wait any longer than this week - and I'm not going to Home Depot after a long day of work to buy all the stuff. Needless to say, all materials have been purchased and are in the garage waiting to be used. This Tuesday - as in two more days! Yippee! I hope it's all done this week too - seriously, I've got to get this baby room settled. We're out of town next weekend, so I've got to get moving!

Tomorrow my Mom is having her surgery. Whew, what a week. She was scheduled to have the surgery last Thursday but the doctors realized that she was on a medication that thins her blood (Plavix). When they reviewed her case again in preparation for the procedure, I guess they noticed it? Or thought about it? Who knows... but they told her on Tuesday afternoon that they needed her to be off that medication for at least a week before the surgery. She was so upset, and I can understand... the anticipation of having a sugery, then finding out a day and a half beforehand that you're not having it... and when you do have it, they're not going to do everythign they said they were going to do... it can be nerve wracking. My Mom was a mess. She was so upset that they rescheduled - and now she had to tell her family that it had been postponed. Really, this is what she was stressing about (why?). And I know how my Mom is - she can be crazy. Seriously, crazy. So I can imagine what words must have been exchanged between her and the nurses, etc. Well, she finds out on Thursday that they will fit her in on Monday for her surgery (yes, tomorrow). So, now I'm concerned that she's made such a stink about getting her surgery done that she's not thinking about the original reason they wanted to wait.

I made a call to her doctor's office on Thursday to find out the details. The nurse I spoke to explained that the doctor felt comfortable enough for my Mom to be off her medication to have the procedure after all.

They've told my Mom to stop taking one thing, start taking aspirin, then they tell her no aspirin, then they say yes to aspirin... then on Friday they call again to say no aspirin. By now, my Mom is not feeling comfortable with anyone knowing what the hell is going on with her so she's decided not to go forward. Again, I can completely understand because I wouldn't go under the knife with all this back and forth crap. When I call her on Saturday to check in, she's changed her mind to go ahead with the procedure. She thinks that if she waits any longer, the cancer is going to get worse - literally every day she waits.

Did I mention that my Mom can be a little crazy? All weekend, I've tried to call and talk to her about things, how she's feeling, is she sure she wants to have the surgery, etc. Every time I've called she has literally been bitching me out. Griping and griping and griping about everything. Everything from her marriage to her health to her crappy neighbors to the way the nurse at the doctor's office spoke to her last week. OMG. I can't take it anymore. It's so hard to be supportive to someone who is so negative. How can you even begin to prepare for this long road ahead if you can't find one damn positive thing in life? For real? And it makes it soooo hard to be supportive to someone that just doesn't process things the same way I do. I just want details, I want to know what risks we're looking at. I want to know why things continue to change.

If I ask my Mom anything, I get all this crap along with it. Crap about her stupid husband and why he's a loser or whatever. I just don't know what to say. So, I say nothing and I get off the phone. I asked her what time her surgery is, "All I know is that I have to be there at 6:30 a.m., who knows if the doctor is even going to show up". Really? Really, now? Needless to say tomorrow is going to be difficult - and the recovery is going to be a long one for her. How can someone with so much piss and vinegar even pull out of that crap?

Okay - so enough about that.

I think I'm done with the whole running thing. I've decided that walking is good enough for the rest of the pregnancy! I ran last Sunday and my knees and feet ached all day. I tried to run again this past Friday morning - and it just wasn't good. So, today was a 6 mile power walk! I felt great, I had energy the rest of the day and my feet and knees aren't killing me! Woo HOO! Just like in regular training though, I feel bad when I'm walking with someone - like I'm holding them back. Even if they are pregnant!! So silly - it's really just enjoyable to be out there still moving - and I wouldn't care if any of my friends told me they had to walk, so I need to forget about it!

I still can't believe I'm already 31 weeks along. YIKES! I feel like I have so much to do still, besides getting the room / house ready. I need to get organized at work - hell, I need to start interviewing my temporary replacements.... so much to do, so much to do! If I just had more energy and more time. Story of our lives, right?

Speaking of time, I'm about out of it! I'll follow up soon with photos - halloween + before and after of the room remodel! :) Fingers crossed, it all goes well.

8B.

Christmas in October?

2008-10-27T22:34:00.002-05:00

No lie. I got my Christmas tree out today AND decorated it. I LOVE Christmas! WEeeeEEEee!! I can't wait for Santa!! Okay - for real, I did get the tree out AND it is decorated AND my mantle is all decorated too. BUT it's not for real. It's for a video shoot that will be taking place at my house this Wednesday. It's a little strange you know - the jack-o-lantern on the front porch is lit and inside, the white lights are a twinkling.

My poor son, he's going to be so confused! I tried to explain to him that Mommy has to set it all up to take some pictures (I didn't tell him that Santa will be here on Wednesday as well, luckily during the day - should minimize the damage!) and then we'll take it back down again and put it all away. In a month. Ewww. Decorating for the holidays is such a huge undertaking. And putting it away. back in the attic. twice. in one year?!

So, I'll be sure to post the link for our 'video' once we get it finished. I can't spill the beans too early, it's a big project and for it to be a true success, it's got to be kept under wraps! Stay tuned!!

Halloween is right around the corner. William's had his costume since the second they were available in stores (spider man, the black one). I on the other hand hadn't been able to come up with anything good. Until Friday and now, it's ON! We have a big contest at work and everyone dresses up. EVERYONE. Even us old folks. I really wanted to do something to work in the pregnancy, I mean, how often can you do that? Of course, not many options. I could decorate my stomach as a pumpkin and be lame. OR I could be a prom queen and rock the pregnant prom dress (uh, hell no - and YES, that's for real) or I could do something a little more fun. I collaborated with a few girls at work last week and the ideas began to pour in. Option one: I could find a wedding dress (that would enhance my pregnant belly) and carry a toy shotgun (shotgun wedding - in case you're tired while reading this) or I could dress up my nice round belly as a magic eight ball. Yep, that's right folks. I'm going to be a magic eight ball. I bought a long-sleeved black maternity T-shirt, sewed a round piece of purple felt right over my belly (I'll place the "answers" here) and sewed a white circle with the number "8" on the back of the shirt. I'll wear black pants and black shoes and of course, I'll have all the answers cut out of white craft foam (with velcro to attach to my stomach) - and I'll just shake my stuff all day. Sound good? Yeah, sounds crazy - but you know, it will be fun. And hey, I spent less than $20 on materials and learned to use my sewing machine in the process. Success! And of course, I'll follow up with photographic proof that it was a good idea to do this.

Checking In

2008-10-14T20:47:00.004-05:00

Things are still crazy as always, work hasn't slowed down at all. I am just trying to keep my head above water! Hopefully, things will simmer down just a bit and I'll be able to relax a little.

My Mom is hanging in for now, she's just waiting to see what's going to happen next with her cancer. She talked with the surgeon today and they want to wait on removing the mass and treat it with chemo first. Of course, she wasn't really sure why and didn't know exactly what the doctor had told her (UGGhhh), so I got all her doctors' names and phone numbers and did some calling around today. The reason for the chemo treatment first is to see if her cancer will respond and shrink. If it does get smaller, that's just a smaller mass they have to remove and potentially leave less scar tissue, etc. Plus they may be able to avoid breast reconstruction if the mass shrinks enough. The surgeon explained that chemo would happen regardless, they didn't want to wait until after the surgery and find out what does and doesn't work, so they're going to try it before. They are basically going to have to insert something into her chest for the chemo treatment. I have the info written down, but quite honestly, I get a little naucious just thinking about it. I'm a weenie when it comes to medical stuff.

I've at least come to the point where I'm not as stressed out about my Mom as I was a week ago. I can't make my Mom change her ways overnight and I can't take care of someone who doesn't take care of themselves. I don't mean to say that she's not taking care of herself at all, but we're just a lot different when it comes to lifestyle, health, etc. So, I'll be here to support her when she needs it. In the meantime, I'll get all the information I can from the doctors so I can help her to understand why they are making the recommendations they are. I did find out today that the cancer is in her lymph nodes, and I know that's not a good sign. That means the cancer is moving. Hopefully they can get the treatment started and the cancer will respond quickly.

I had a dr. appointment yesterday myself - I'm already 27 weeks! WOW. Time flies. It's funny how I've had this feeling of being pregnant permanently, like there's no end in sight! For example, I go shopping, I look at clothes and I think "I'm pregnant, I can't buy anything". Even shoes! It's not like I'm going to be this way forever, but it has seemed like I still have SO FAR to go. Until yesterday, that is. Yesterday, was my last monthly appointment, now I'm on to the bi-weekly visits. And we scheduled all my remaining appointments until my due date. That made it seem pretty close! YIKES!!

And - I know that with pregnancy comes weight gain, but DANG, Gina - I gained 6 lbs in 4 weeks. OMG! I've gained just over 20 lbs now. I know I'll put on at least another 10 and probably a couple more. I'm already starting to feel uncomfortable, yet I still have 12+ weeks to go. I'm going to be huge. And gross. All my Christmas pictures are going to be massive!! HA. Oh well, it's all worth it, please Lord, let me have a healthy, happy baby girl. PLEASE! I'm still running a few times a week. For some reason, I've just lost my motivation to swim. When I was pregnant with William, I was a fish! This time, the running is way more enjoyable. Probably because I run with a friend of mine who is also pregnant and we run together and talk about all kinds of things. It's been so great to have this time around.

So, I totally lost it today. As in, I knew I had all these emotions bottled up inside of me and I knew they were going to come spilling out at some point. Well, it happened today. At lunch, luckily I was alone. I was walking to my car, talking to Brian on the phone - about something that had made me sad... and the tears just came pouring. And I'm not talking just a couple of tears and that's it - like I sat in my car bawling like a baby for almost an hour. And yeah, I looked awesome afterwards (my makeup was HOT!). It felt good to get it out though. I needed it. With all that's going on, it was bound to happen. I don't get upset too often, so it was a good thing. I've just been in a funk since :( Hopefully after a good night's sleep and a halfway decent run in the morning, I'll be good as new. Fingers crossed.

It seems as though the last few blogs have been me venting. I don't like where my life is at this moment. I can't wait to be on the other side of this difficult time. There are times, like today when I'm just not sure I can handle it anymore. I just don't see the light at the end of the tunnel. When will things be better? When will work lighten up? When will my husband be able to read my mind and know what I need / want without me spelling it out for him (okay, I know - I'm asking for a miracle here!) and when will I know what's going on with my Mom? When will my life be easier? It probably won't be easier. I continue to think that this is a lesson that God is teaching me. It's testing me and preparing me for something even harder. And that, my friend is kind of scary. But I know that there is a reason for all this chaos. I just want to know when the lesson will be revealed.

It's just a weird time right now, the economy is frightening. I'm lucky to have a job, so I can't complain that I'm super busy. I'd be in a terrible situation had I been one of the people to lose my job last month. Things are just a little unstable everywhere. It's weird, you know? You really can't depend on anything all we can do is hope for the best and hope things turn around sooner rather than later.

And I digress.

Time to go check in with my son, he won't sleep until I do. Little cutie pie.

G'night!

Fried Green Tomatoes

2008-10-05T22:41:00.002-05:00

I think that was the name of the movie - I never saw it... but the previews showed Kathy Bates? in her car driving in a parking lot about to pull in when some younger girl whips her car into the spot she was waiting on. The girl wouldn't move, so Kathy rammed her old car into the young girl's car...

That's how I felt today after running a quick errand up to my office. Now, most of you who know me will NOT be surprised by this story - you're probably already thinking "oh, Adrian - what have you gotten yourself into now?" So, I work in downtown Dallas where parking is an issue. I pay a monthly fee of $135 to park in a covered garage 2.5 blocks from my office. The parking garage is closed on the weekends. There is a parking lot right next to my building (where I used to park - a couple of years ago until someone hit my car - didn't leave a note, blah, blah, blah). Anyway, so I literally needed to run into my building, grab a box that I left on my desk and leave.

I go to the closest parking lot (the one next to the building) where not a SINGLE car is parked, it's Sunday afternoon. A man is standing outside of his car which is parked by the box where you insert your money to pay to park in this lot. Again, I'm running up to my office, back down. Be back in 2 seconds. I park my car, not knowing who this man was - I quickly start walking up the sidewalk when I hear "uh, ma'am - you have to pay to park here". I said "oh, I'm just running into this building and right back." He says "This isn't free parking, you must pay". I'm a little annoyed - and so I say, really? I'll be back in two seconds. Most other parking attendants in the area (which he was not a parking attendant I later found out) are totally cool and understand that it's ridiculous to pay $6 to run a super quick errand. AND - it's SUNDAY when the meters aren't even charging people AND there's not one single car in the lot and downtown is empty AND I have no cash on me!

So, I look at him and say "call a tow-truck then". I go get my box am back in less than 2 minutes only to find that he has pulled his little Lexus SUV behind my car (actually Brian's Jeep Commander - thank goodness I drove that) and tried to block me in. I calmly got into the car, locked the doors, backed my car up about 2 inches, pulled forward over the parking curb / speed bump thing. The man who must have been the owner of this parking lot comes running to my car and is knocking on the window and begins to yell at me. He doesn't like the fact that I'm backing up close to his car so he starts beating on my window, tries to open the door (locked!) and starts cursing at me. This man is easily in his 60's, most likely a retired man who bought some parking lots downtown to make money. He's really pissed at me! His wife gets out of the car to tell him to let it go, or whatever - maybe as she was sitting in there watching me squeeze through the two cars to get into mine, she noticed I was 6.5 months pregnant... I calmly continued to manuever my car back and forth - until I was free. I smiled really big and waved "Bye" to the grumpy old man.

As I drove away, kind of scared because he could have been chasing me for all I know, I just busted out laughing. I mean for real, dude. Can't you give a girl a break?! He got that worked up over me being in his empty parking lot for 120 seconds. Yeah, technically - I probably should have paid - but really? What's happened to the nice people in the world who understand things? Like - a pregnant woman needing to run inside grab a box and leave?!

Ahhh well, I've got so much stuff that's going on in my life that I have this attitude of "don't mess with me, unless you want the wrath of Adrian!" I'm not always this short tempered or short on patience or whatever you want to call it... but there's a lot going on. I wrote about my Mom a couple of weeks ago - that she was diagnosed with cancer. She's got breast cancer, they think they caught it at a very early stage, so that's a good sign. The bad thing is that she doesn't take care of herself at all. AT ALL.

I got a call from my step-father on Friday morning saying that my Mom's in the hospital. He had taken her there Thursday night - in the middle of the night because she couldn't sleep and was complaining of her body aching really, really bad. She was having sharp pains here and there... and had been really sick to her stomach, etc. I spoke to him again Friday afternoon and he tells me that her potassium levels were real low, she was super dehydrated and the doctors wanted to keep her in the hospital. He really didn't know much. I didn't ask him much because he never seems to have a clue as to anything going on. I figured I'd just call the hospital myself and find out.

Well, Saturday was my anniversary and my Mom's birthday and I wanted to see her - but I wasn't feel too well, I had gotten sick earlier in the day and just felt kind of out of it. I didn't make it to the hospital. I called her a couple of times and she was pretty out of it. I decided I'd go see her on Sunday morning instead. William and I went up there around 9:30 this morning, when we arrived she was sleeping. We sat in her room for about 20 minutes thinking she may wake up, she didn't - so I went out to the nurses' station to ask some questions. I wanted to know why she was really in there.

Turns out, she has an infection in her leg and due to her diabetes that is out of control, the doctors wanted to keep her in the hospital to give her some antibiotics to get her leg better. Hmmm, diabetes? I didn't know she had diabetes. I guess it shouldn't be a surprise to me - but she's never told me that. Not only does she have it but apparently, she's not even taking care of it. And yes, she knows she's diabetic. She's been taking medications for it (I later found out). The nurse can't go into too much detail, she'd rather have the doctor tell me everything.... so William and I head out to grab some flowers for her and come back hoping she'll wake up when we're there later.

When I came back, Mom was still sleeping, but the doctor had just been in. She came back in and talked with me about everything - the diabetes that were not being controlled because she thinks my Mom isn't consistent w/ taking her medication. Her cholestrol is horrible - again, because she's not consistently taking her medications, she's on a few different anxiety medications plus the blood pressure medication + whatever she's getting in the hospital. OMG. How much can a body take? In all seriousness? Wouldn't you start asking questions if you had a million different meds to take? The doctor basically tells me that someone needs to be monitoring my mother to make sure she's taking what she needs to be taking - and consistently. Especially if they're going to treat her for cancer. The surgery will be okay, but the recovery will be a long, long road - especially with the diabetes - the body doesn't heal as quickly.

Okay, that's a lot of information. I had no idea about any of this because my mom doesn't tell me squat about her health. When she wakes up finally, she's totally out of it and tells me she hasn't seen a doctor the entire time she's been in the hospital. For three days, really? You haven't? More like - you don't remember seeing one... but that's okay. I ask her if she's been taking medication for her diabetes - she says "yes". I ask if she's been consistent "yes". I say "well, the doctor thinks you haven't been, so she's a little concerned". My mom defensively responds with "well, I'll be talking to that doctor before I leave." Same with the cholesterol stuff. She doesn't tell me the truth - or she's in denial. I can't tell which. She also says "the doctors think I may have some kind of infection in my leg, but I don't think I do". I tell her that I'm sure if they think something's wrong, it probably is.... she tells me she didn't want a flu shot or pneumonia shot, but they insisted..... again, I'm like "mom - apparently there's a reason, you are in a hospital, after all".

I can't stand seeing my mom like this. She's practically given up on herself. She doesn't take care of herself at all. It's so frustrating and disgusting. I mean, really - I don't mean to be so ugly here, but what the hell happened? Why did you decide to stop trimming your toe nails? How do you get like this? I mean, she had a stroke four years ago - I'd have thought that was her wake-up call, but apparently not. I told the doctor that I have no idea where to start with her. There's so much - that I don't know - and I have no idea how to find out. Not to mention, I have my own family to take care of. AND - how do you take care of someone who doesn't take care of themselves?

I just don't know what to do. Of course I care about my mother, but I can't care for her. I can't. I get so frustrated to see how she's ended up. Her and my step-dad both. It's just a big mess that they've gotten themselves into and I can't keep trying to rescue them. Since the stroke, I've pretty much been frustrated w/ my step-father because he doesn't seem to give a shit. I'm upset with my Mom for always being the "victim" of every situation and now look where they are. Same thing - 4 years later.

I'd be lying if I said they really ever had it together. They haven't. I don't know how we are related, I really don't. We couldn't be more different about every little thing. From decision making, to our outlook on life, to anything. I just don't get it. And now, what am I going to do? I don't want to turn my back on her and of course I wouldn't - but at the same time - what do I need to do? What can I do?

So overwhelmed

2008-09-22T21:46:00.002-05:00

Not much time to write today, but I've got so much going on and I'm feeling so stressed out, I just need to get it out of my head! Mamma needs rest. Work is uber stressful, so busy and we're short staffed. Things aren't going to get any easier either. With the economy the way it is, we don't want to hire any additional help until we know what the next six months will look like. So, there's not much I can do but keep my head down and focused. Which I have been doing for the past six weeks for sure. No time to leave for lunch much less working out during my lunch hour. I miss that time for stress relief. These days, it's get up - work, work, work - pick up William, come home, eat and work more. I don't see an end in sight. SIGH.

William is going through some kind of separation anxiety thing with me lately, I can't seem to do anything at all without him. I was going to run this past Sunday morning, and to my surprise, William came into our room and threw himself on the floor and started crying, begging me not to leave. This was at 5:45 a.m. before Brian and I even woke up. Needless to say, Brian left the house for his bike ride w/ the team while I tried to console the little guy. I told him that I'd only be gone for an hour or so and I'd be right back. Mamaw would take good care of him.... HOLY MOLY, that didn't go over well AT ALL. So, I ended up taking him with me for my run. Okay, so I'm almost six months prego and pushing a 3.5 year old in a baby jogger? OMG. I hardly get time to workout anymore and then I have to do this?!! Really, I just need some time to myself... but we managed. We ended up having a good time - grabbed breakfast and hit the playground afterwards... but you know - I just need some down time.

Top that off with my Mom telling me that a biopsy the doctors did on a lump they found in her breast came back positive - well, just something else to really think about. It's just getting to be too much.

I got to work this morning, spilled coffee all inside my car in the parking garage, got to my desk and started crying. I just need some time away from the madness right now! It was already Monday morning and time to start over with the craziness..........

I know that God never gives us more than we can handle. I keep telling myself that. This is a test, and I'll get through it. I've got to get through it. whew.

How do you do it?

2008-09-10T11:37:00.002-05:00

How do you not let your children do activities that 'the other kids are doing'? I can already tell, this is going to be a huge problem for me. Last Friday was Grandparents' Day at day care. That meant that parents and grand parents could come have lunch with the kiddos. Well, I didn't find out about this special lunch until Thursday evening when I picked William up from school. I was super busy at work all week and was unable to make it. I didn't think it would be a big deal. Boy was I wrong.

On Saturday, during a moment of a near meltdown, William was crying about something and he threw in "you didn't come have lunch with me yesterday, either". Wait, WHAT? He was sad that Mommy didn't come have lunch with him and other kids' parents and grandparents did. Not everyone - mind you, but some did. And I didn't. I felt HORRIBLE. I could have cried. I hurt his feelings. I can just imagine him looking at the door waiting for Mommy or Daddy to walk in - and we never did. It makes my heart sink. I can remember days of one of my parents not picking me up when they said they would (my parents were divorced... and I would sit at the front door staring outside for HOURS. I still remember it like it was yesterday). I can't imagine making him feel that way.

Then there's the extra-curricular activities that go on during day care. DURING day care at the day care. This point just bothers me in general because we already pay a hefty fee for our kiddos to go to day care then add the weekly Kinder-Fit class (+$40 / month), swim lessons during the summer (+$100 ), now there's drama (+$150). Well, we just weren't sure about the Drama Class, so I didn't sign him up. Yet. Apparently, yesterday was the first Drama class. The teachers come into the classrooms and get the kids who are participating and take them somewhere else for the class. Well, sure enough - William told me yesterday that he didn't get picked. "Mommy, the teachers didn't come take me." He wants to go to drama class too. I asked what other kids didn't get to go and it sounds like there's a good amount of them who aren't going... and the ones that didn't go stayed in their respective classrooms and got to eat chocolate pudding! But William would rather do Drama.

On the way to school this morning, he reminded me to "tell the teachers I want to do Drama, Mommy." I don't want my son to feel like he didn't get picked. Or he's not getting to do what other kids are doing, but where does it end? I'm pregnant with number two and I can see this getting out of control because I know what it felt like not being able to do things that other kids did. I don't want mine to miss out. I certainly don't want them to feel like I did. :(

Oh, this could be bad... help! How do I do it?

Precious Moments

2008-09-07T20:25:00.005-05:00

Today was a great day! I woke up early this morning, joined a couple of girls for an easy Sunday run (5 miles, not bad for 5.5 months preg!). The sunrise on the lake was absolutely beautiful. The lake was calm and the reflection of the sun was amazing. As one of the other runners said "now, THIS is the reason we get up so early". The run was good as well - only one potty stop in my five miles (as opposed to the THREE I had on Thursday evening during a 5.5 mile run!)

On my way home, I got a coffee and ran to the donut shop to get a special treat for William. I got him a couple of donuts and a chocolate milk. He doesn't like it when Mommy leaves him at home with a babysitter to go running or riding. I had to make it worth it for him ;) Daddy was announcing a race this morning, so I had to bring in the help! We enjoyed our donuts together and decided that it was a perfect day for a picnic.

We compiled our list of things to take on the picnic: PB&J sandwiches, water, crackers, bread (to feed the ducks), a blanket, cheetos and some other snacks, William's bicycle, helmet and of course - a couple of his "team mates". Team mates are his stuffed animals.... We drove to the lake and looked for the perfect spot, under a tree with a smooth sidewalk nearby. There were lots of bikers out today, the weather was gorgeous. Luckily, the majority of them were wearing helmets as William and I had to discuss the issue of why he needed a helmet on even though it made his head itchy. He was too young to remember Mommy's bad bicycle accident where I fell and hit my head, ended up unconcious in the hospital with 14 stitches.... and I was wearing a helmet! Needless to say, we can argue all day, but Mommy will always win this battle! It also helped to point at all the other "smart cyclists" who were wearing theirs as well.

So, we rode to a grassy spot under a big tree and I set up our picnic. William was really excited! We were close to the water so we could feed all the ducks that swam by. William immediately got the bread out and started to look for the little guys. He had so much fun feeding them. We went through a good amount of bread before the ducks swam away. William thought he should try the breat too - just to make sure it was okay for the duckies!

We got out our food, ate a little bit, saw more ducks to feed, etc. After a while, William was getting a little tired so he sat in my lap and ate the rest of his sandwich. This was such a sweet Mother-Son moment! He laid back on my chest and we just watched the ducks swim around. He stayed in my arms for a good 15-20 minutes while we talked and ate. I probably kissed his little blonde head fifty times! These moments don't happen quite as often as they used to. I had to soak it up while I could.

Of course, more ducks swam towards us, which presented more opportunities for William to perfect his aim! He's got great form, just look at his vertical leap! This cracked me up! After we finished all the bread, William was ready to go for a bike ride. We were in a protected part of the lake, so it was a nice wide road with no cars. William learned to stay on the right side of the road, away from other cyclists. It was so precious to see those little legs just a pedaling! He's a fast little booger. I didn't think about how fast and far away from me he could get. My flip-flops weren't cutting it.

We turned around, rode back to our picnic area so I could clean everything up and headed towards the car. Not to leave, but to put our stuff away. I was a little nervous leaving it out. You just never know who'd come by and pick up my bag of stuff (which included a phone and car keys). Once we put everything away, I asked William if he wanted to ride more - and of course, he said yes. He rode for a LONG time, I was pretty amazed. He'd get pretty far ahead of me, but he was listening. When I told him to stop and wait for me, he did. I'd catch up and let him take off again. I tried to get some pictures of him riding, but he stayed a good ways ahead of me, so all I could see was the back of him. The little legs pumping up and down, up and down! Finally, I told him it was time to turn around and get ready to go home. I really didn't want him to get too tired and end up walking back and me bending over pushing that tiny bike back to the car! Oh, don't think he didn't try to do that... I convinced him that we'd get to the car a whole lot faster if he rode and Mommy followed. We made it back to the car, loaded up the bike, filled up with water and made our way home. We earned ourselves a good nap!

There are days like today - when I have some special time with William. Just the two of us, and it's the best thing in the whole world. I am so blessed to have a sweet angel of a boy and my heart is so full of happiness today! It's an undescribable kind of love... I guess one that only a Mother can explain. Thank God I am one.

End of Summer..... BUMMER!

2008-09-01T21:51:00.004-05:00

Where oh where do you go, Mr. Time? It's already the end of summer? Sheesh. I still fit in a couple of pair of white pants, what the hell?! It was a good Labor Day weekend though, we spent a lot of time together as a family.

We went to dinner a lot this past week and after a group outing on Friday night, I decided that as a family, we needed to get back to basics. While Daddy was putting William to bed, I had a SuperNanny moment. I made a small poster of "Hasenbauer House Rules"! Don't worry, it's only a few - but they're necessary. I came to the realization on Friday night that our son needed to work on his table manners....everything he was doing to drive me crazy was likely because we'd let ourselves be lazy this week and eat out 3-4 times! You can't work on the basic rules while you're out at a restaurant and especially not if you're out with other people. It's really not fair. When we're out, we should be reinforcing our house rules. So Rule #1: Be Nice. In other words, no hitting! OMG, what has gotten in to him? William hits when he doesn't like something. It's so frustrating! Rule #2: Clean up after ourselves. Note: I said "ourselves" which includes me here. I know, I'm just as guilty as leaving stuff out. I'm also the first one to get freaked out when I look at a pile of stuff that's been sitting out for 3 days straight!! Rule #3: No Toys in Living Room. Now, this is one that I try to enforce over and over... and am still trying! Is it wrong to think that our house shouldn't look like a "kid's house"? Yeah, a kid lives here, but we're adults and it's our house too. I bought some nice looking bins for the living room - and if the toys don't fit inside of it (meaning, not even poking out the top) - then they don't belong in the living room! Rule #4: Eat Meals at Table. Kitchen Table. Yes, we get a little relaxed and eat at the coffee table - and we allow William to eat there way too often. Again - back to basics of sitting at the dining room table with the family and you can get up and leave when we're all done. Rule #5: Eat Meals at Home. Yeah, we got a little out of control last week! So, I've gone to the grocery store this weekend and we've got 5 meals planned out! YAY! Rule #6: William's bedtime is no later than 9:00 p.m. OMG - this one is crazy. It just creeps on later and later and later. I'm not going to lie - I'm NOT the guilty party here! Earlier this summer when Dad was on "mancation", William was not only in bed by 9:00 p.m., but he was ASLEEP by 9:00 p.m. I need to have some time after he's asleep to do my thing (blog!) and of course, talk to my husband! So - those are the basic rules of our home. For now. Building blocks, if you will!

I also felt the first baby kicks on Friday. I was actually sitting in bed looking up information on when I should be feeling the kicks.... because I was getting a little nervous about not feeling anything. The site I was reading recommended talking to your doctor if you haven't felt anything by 22 weeks. Well, I'm 21 and starting to panic... well, not panic, but starting to wonder if something was wrong. Luckily, I felt it. And I felt it again Saturday, Sunday and today. Whew! For some reason, I've just been more nervous this time around. I don't know if it's because I'm older now and I doubt I'd want to get pregnant again... or the thought of something happening and having to explain things to my three year old son. Unpleasant thoughts all the way around.

I'm just over half way through the pregnancy, and I'm feeling good - really good now that I've felt movement! The idea of having a girl is setting in - and we've been thinking of names. We've thrown out a lot of options, but nothing's really "stuck". I liked the name Olivia for a few days. When we were expecting William - and didn't know if it were a boy or girl, I liked the name Hillary, but I'm really over that! I thought the double "H" would be cute, Hillary, Hailey, Hanna.... but now I'm on to Allison. Allison Hasenbauer, sounds nice, doesn't it? See, we named William after Brian's late Grandfather... and Brian's middle name is William. There are no Allison's in my family, but my Grandfather that just passed away this summer was named Al. Al Weaver. It would be really sweet to honor him in my daughter's name. Now, this is one reason that it's going to be hard to let this one go... now that I tie my Grandfather to it. Hmmm, it could still change though. And of course, there's no middle name. But I like Allison - or would it be Alison? Or Alyson? Allison Hasenbauer. Brian, Adrian, William and Allison. Not bad! William and Allison. "These are my two kids, William and Allison"! Okay, so I'm a big dork...

I'm growning a lot more lately, today I had a hard time shaving my legs - mainly because the shower in the master bedroom is the size of a small hall closet and also because bending over, I was sure I was cutting off circulation to something. Looks like I may have to start sharing William's bathroom on occasion! Woo Hoo, lucky me - at least there's lots to play with in there.

So, not much else to report. Still working on bedroom decorating. I've found lots of artwork for both rooms on Etsy. This website is awesome - it's individual artists selling their work. There's everything from clothing to posters and one-of-a-kind pieces. I bought a rocketship poster with William's name on it - and have found some awesome Robot artwork from one guy. I just have to pace myself on buying everything! Holy spending, batman! I'm trying so hard not to charge anything on credit cards - so I've got to manage what I buy and when. I could cause some serious damage in a matter of minutes if I had the "green light". I know what all I want and I know where it is.... uggghhh! It's so hard being responsible! HA.

So much to do... so much to do!

2008-08-18T21:20:00.012-05:00

I've got so much on my mind since I found out I was going to be having a girl! YES - a girl! OMG! I'm soooo excited - and nervous - and excited - and freaking out - and I can't believe that I'm actually going to have a GIRL - and holy crap, I'm going to have "kids" - as in more than one, as in plural. As in when they are older - in their teens, there will be two of them. HOLY CRAP!!

But, I'm having a GIRL! WEEEEEEeeeeee! I found out last Friday - three days ago... I went to the Dr. appt alone since William was home sick... and Daddy needed to take care of him. So, I asked Judy, the sono expert not to tell me - and to put it in an envelope so Brian and I could find out together (I know, how sweet am I?!). She did even better, she burned the entire sonogram onto a DVD for me to take home and watch with Brian and William. So, since I didn't 'want to know' - at the time, Judy was typing all the information in on the computer - of course, I'm trying to count how many keys she's hitting.... I think to myself - was that B-O-Y? or G-I-R-L? Then she asked me if I remember having the sonogram done with William. I say "yes" and she responds with "so you know what that looks like, the boy?" I think to myself - it's another boy. I just know it.... well, I went on to my regular Doctor.... then home to my boys. We were all watching and there was the "money shot" - Brian thought he "saw something" so he thought it was a boy... then after a couple of minutes you see this text being typed in... "looks like it's a Girl!!!". Pretty fun! We all watched it on our TV like it was a movie!

That was Friday morning. By Friday evening, I had already pulled all of William's baby clothes out of his closet, organized them by size, took photos of everything and bagged them in "lots" that I put on eBay for auction! Saturday, I did a little more cleaning, pulled out all the cute crib bedding I saved from when William was a baby.... which I also bought the matching twin bedding set at the same time... So, I decided to go ahead and list all of that on eBay as well. I got all the twin bedding washed and folded. The bedding is all from Pottery Barn Kids - and it's in great condition. The bedspreads are actually quilts... so William never used it on his twin bed, he just used his comforter - because it was much softer. But, I did have to pull the bedskirt and pillow sham off his bed to sell! Of course, that stuff was on eBay for all of 6 hours before it sold. I actually felt kind of sad that it sold so quickly! I remember how excited I was to buy everything and get his room ready. Now, he's moving to a different room in the house and we're going to decorate it in a "robot theme". He's pretty excited about his "new room".

Just as I did before, I've already started my crazy search for the "perfect bedding" for the baby and for William's "new room". I hit Pottery Barn Kids again over the weekend and bought a few things (pillow shams in different patterns, etc) to bring home and see if I liked them. I got lucky and found a cool set of robot sheets on the PB website as well. These are what have spawned my idea for the new big-boy room. I've got all these ideas in my head, so I thought I'd put them here so I can come back and remind myself what all I thought of. These creative spurts don't happen nearly as often as they used to, so I'm going to ride the wave.... woo hoo!

These are the super cute robot sheets. I'm thinking of going with duvet and duvet cover this time around for the twin bed. Just thinking of comfort for my little guy. He wasn't too fond of the feeling of the quilt. Here's the duvet cover, the photo shows the Superman pillow sham and sheets, but I'll just do the plain shams (possibly have them embroidered with a "W" or something).

Who knows why anyone needs a cargo pocket on their duvet cover - but I can just see Will stuffing it with little army men or whatever! I also found some cool wall graphics here: Blik Surface Graphics

Then I moved it on over to this poster website where I found some super cool robot posters - see, you think I'm crazy, don't you?! But they are sooo perfect. They're posters of toy robots! Which brings me to my next obsession: Tin Toy Robots!!! What if I buy lots of these little toys and use them as decoration too? Maybe find some old, old ones and put them inside shadow boxes and hang on the wall. I think it could look really good. If only I had an unlimited amount of money to go get everything NOW!

So, not only have I obsessed about Will's room, but also for BGH - Baby Girl Hasenbauer. I've found a good starting point for her too. Since we'll be moving William out of his room and upstairs (into Dad's office space) we'll use his room as the nursery. His room is currently painted baby blue, even the ceilings (it sounded like a good idea at the time)! I have actually found some bedding that I love - that has pink, red and baby blue in it. So, I could potentially leave the walls blue and use the red gingham crib skirt from William's stuff (I didn't include this in my ebay auction!) and the room could be really cute. AND - Brian wouldn't have to paint both rooms - the upstairs is a given.... I found some other things for BGH's room, but I really need to focus on finding a chair and ottoman that I can rock her to sleep in. I made a poor chair decision when I was getting ready for William... it was not comfortable at all. I couldn't sleep in it to save my life! And trust me, when you're up every 2.5 - 3 hours, you need comfort! I looked at a glider / rocker this weekend, but I just didn't like it. I really, really want one that is super cushiony, rocks, glides, swivels that comes with a matching ottoman AND looks good! This is a LOT to ask for. Have you seen what they have to offer? It's either the typical wooden chair with cushions (not ideal for sleeping) or it costs a small fortune. I'm all for having a darling nursery, but I'm not spending over $1K on a chair and ottoman. That's half the price of a carbon fiber road bike! So, for now - the search continues.

Little Olympian

2008-08-13T22:30:00.002-05:00

It's been almost one week of Olympic viewing in the Hasenbauer home. Of course, I'm completely amazed at all the athletes. Michael Phelps - do I need to say a word? Okay - I will say that a funny thing I noticed was that his warm up - is the same distance as my whole swim workout. On a good day!

So, the funny thing that I have noticed is how much watching the Olympics is affecting my son. Not only does he now know that the Olympics are being held in China, and that China is a country, but he's also now aware that the majority of his toys are from.... China (thanks, Dad!). Really though, every time we've watched gymnastics, he starts jumping around trying to do flips and more! He runs, jumps up, tries to do something goofy with his legs and land. He even stands on our padded ottoman - possibly pretending that it's his balance beam or spring board.... OMG! It's pretty funny. Tonight he told Brian and I that when he swims, he's faster than all of his friends, just like someone else we've all seen - uh... Michael Phelps! I can hardly wait until track and field!

We Can't Tell Daddy!

2008-08-13T22:16:00.003-05:00

My little cutie pie - what a funny thing he is! I had planned a little dinner surprise for Brian last Saturday night (impromptu b-day dinner) - with a few of his friends. Brian had already made plans to have some of the guys over to watch the first pre-season Cowboy game in the backyard on our inflatable movie screen (YES - I know, but why do we have this? - more later...). So, knowing he had wanted to do this, I went ahead and invited a few more of the guys and their wives / S.O.'s, bought beer, balloons, snacks and fajitas for all.

I was running around for the majority of the morning - just getting all the little details finalized so it would be a 'surprise' if you will.... well, Brian decided to take William to a birthday party while I stayed home (I couldn't have planned it any better). I was able to clean the house and get ready. Well, I was walking out to my car when my garage door began opening... "uh-oh, they're home..." I had to make up some excuse to get out of the house to go pick up the balloons I had ordered. The place was closing in the next 30 minutes. I told Brian I needed to run a quick errand and asked William if he wanted to come. He does, so we head back to his room to grab a different pair of shoes and get going. William was taking his sweet time and playing with anything he saw. I was trying to hurry him along when finally I whispered to him "William, honey - we have to hurry up. We're having a little surprise party for Daddy tonight - but YOU CAN'T TELL DADDY!" He seemed to clue in just a bit... we walked into the living room where Daddy was - to put the shoes on.... William says "we can't tell Daddy, Mommy". Little stinker. He says it again, "We can't tell Daddy". I knew darn well that Brian heard him, he was just trying to cover! Ahhh, from the minds and mouths of children.....

Three PB&J's!

2008-08-07T20:26:00.002-05:00

Yep, three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches were inhaled by my three year old son, William before nap time the other day! THREE? Really? Wasn't it just a week ago when I couldn't stuff one piece of chicken in your mouth even if I paid you $50?

He's a growing boy, I suppose! I just can't believe how big he is these days. When I stop and really think about it, I'm kind of sad that he's growing up! He's my baby. Right now he's watching Tarzan on TV, eating a post-dinner PB&J and he looks so big. I guess after three sandwiches, that's what one could expect, right? I just wonder when the clothes are going to be too small? I feel a new wardrobe coming!

I love my little sweetie pie.

It's still me, Adrian....

2008-08-03T21:15:00.003-05:00

So, I'll try not to let this get too negative... here I am just over 16 weeks into my pregnancy, I'm at the point where it's pretty obvious there's a baby growing inside my bulging belly (good, so at least there's a reason for the weight gain, right?!). I'm also at a point where I still enjoy riding my bike, swimming and lifting weights (not so much on the running with the temperatures being in the triple digits). I still enjoy the normal things I was doing before I got pregnant. I am still the same person, albeit a little slower when riding... but generally, same girl.

So, why is it that now that I'm pregnant, I don't ever hear from all the girls I used to train with? Not the Irongirls - but the girls that I've spent the better part of the past couple of years riding, running and goofing off with? Is it "out of sight out of mind"? I really, really HATE this part. It brings me back to the harsh reality of the selfish triathlete. I'll be the first to admit, triathlon is an individual sport - therefore you must learn to depend on yourself. However, I find it completely inexcusable for those 'friends' to completely forget about you once you have a life change. I'm going to rant just a bit because let's be honest: I'm pissed.

As a co-owner of a triathlon club, I feel that my husband and I give. A lot. We give of ourselves (obviously), give of our time and give things - we take care of our people. For those who have been on the team for a while, we hook you up. You're at our house and you need gels? No problem. You want some Clif Bars? Sure, we've got some - here take a box. Oh.... you've got a race coming up and you'd like to have a new visor? Okay, got that too. We enjoy helping others. If we didn't - there would be no Fit2Train. But there is a point where I can't give anymore. I'm about there. There are a few people on "the list" that come to mind. So, I didn't train with you for Vineman afterall, you know what, I had something else going on: Irongirls. But did you come over a few days before and get stuff from me? Yes. Did I remember that your race was coming up and did I send you messages wishing you luck and letting you know I was thinking of you, even though I had A LOT going on? Yes. Did you call me back? Nope. Did you tell me how the event was? Nope. Do you ever call me now just to check in with me? Hell no. So, I'm pregnant - but I'm still me and as far as I'm concerned, we're not friends and apparently we never were. Best of luck to you in your self consumed world of triathlon. Don't ask me for another thing because I'm over it.

Wanna know how I really feel?!! HA.

It's just one of those things, I can't help but to be irritated by this crap. OMG. I have never liked the selfish athlete. I've known plenty. When I first met my husband, boy was he consumed with his accomplishments. I was really proud of him, but I take pride in the fact that I helped him to come back down to reality and not be so pompous. To this day, people say he changed after we met. I agree, he became more human. More caring, more respectful and more aware of other people. Not that he didn't have those qualities about him before we met, but it's so typical of triathletes to get caught up in whatever it is that THEY are doing and not remember that other people have equally important things going on as well, and it's nice to (a) remember them and (b) show interest in them. It's a two way street.

So - here I am. I'll keep on training, just keep doing my thing for as long as I can... and I guess I'll just get through these funky days of realizing who my real friends are and hopefully making new ones along the way. Life is short and there are many, many things to do that just swim, bike or run.

Enough with the negativity!

I did ride yesterday - and for the first time ever, I didn't feel well. The heat kicked my butt. I think it was because I was on my bike for nearly 2 hours, then I stood around the hot parking lot talking to people then I went to Starbucks and sat outside with some girls. Boy, was that a mistake. It just hit me at once. All of a sudden, I had an overwhelming feeling of nautiousness. I did NOT want to toss my cookies! Once we got home, Brian made me an ice pack and put a cold wash cloth on my head. I took it easy, monitored my HR and I got back to normal within half an hour. It did freak me out a little bit though. I stayed inside the rest of the day and as much as possible today too.

Tomorrow's forecast: 108. Really, now? Is that necessary?

I'm pregnant, leave me alone!!

2008-07-28T10:06:00.003-05:00

This is an email that was sent to me from a friend - and I found it hilarious! and sadly, very TRUE. - enjoy!

One of my many observations on being pregnant, which is supported by the concurrence of my pregnant friends and those who have recently been pregnant, is how unbelievably annoying it is that pregnancy seems to create this social expectation that the mother, her belly and everything she does or plans to do in relation to the pregnancy and/or child is suddenly open for public discussion. Here are the top ten most annoying things people have said or done on a recurring basis during my pregnancy so far. For those of you who are pregnancy etiquette-challenged, consider printing this off and carrying it with you as a cheat sheet for the next time you encounter one of us.

#10: Any sentence that starts with the phrases, “Are you allowed to… ?”, “Are you taking/eating ____?”, “Should you be… ?” or, if you’re a barista at Starbucks, “Was that decaf?”
Newsflash: From the second a woman finds out she is pregnant, she is inundated with a barrage of sources telling her what she can/can’t/should/shouldn’t do/eat/think/feel/want/see. She gets it from friends, relatives, doctors, television, magazines, baby sites and total strangers. I can almost guarantee you that whatever it is she is doing that you are questioning her about she is not doing with thoughtless abandon.
Unless you’re her midwife, doctor or nutritionist or she has asked for your sage wisdom on the topic, then shut it. The child is not going to come out with three heads because you didn’t tell her that you read in your friend’s copy of “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” that she should eat five pounds of spinach a day. Those books, by the way, should be burned. They are full of outdated, 90’s information and scare tactics and no pregnant woman in her right mind should expect or be expected to act, eat, or think that way during pregnancy. Or any time in her life, for that matter.
As long as she’s not smoking, doing crack, or drinking a fifth of vodka a day, the baby will be fine. You, on the other hand, will not be fine if you keep insulting her intelligence by questioning everything she does.

#9: The follow-up question to “Do you know what you’re having?” should not be, “Is that want you wanted?”
No, it’s not what we wanted. We thought about trading it in for a puppy when it was born, but we figured we might as well just keep it and see how it goes.
When pressed to be totally honest, most parents-to-be have a preference for what they want(ed) the baby to be. But guess what? Most parents-to-be get over what they “want” and are thrilled to have a healthy baby of either sex. There is such a thing as a stupid question, and this is one of them.

#8: “Are your ankles that swollen from the pregnancy?”
Is your #### that big from sitting at a desk all day? Actually, my ankles aren’t swollen. They almost always look like this because I have fat legs… thank you for pointing it out. I didn’t already feel like a gigantic heifer.
There are probably multiple things about a woman that you didn’t really notice (or wouldn’t have commented on) before she got pregnant. Apparently, for some, pregnancy miraculously dissolves any sort of social propriety about remarking on physical appearance and it’s suddenly okay to make such brazen comments. If you wouldn’t bring it up when she’s NOT pregnant, don’t even dream of letting it slip past your tongue when she is. Period.

#7: Any statement that begins with, “Wow, you…“
…Have gotten big? …Eat a lot now? …Must be having twins? …Look really uncomfortable/tired/sick?
Thank you, Dr. Obvious. Any other genius observations you’d like to make? Trust me, pregnant women are all too aware of how big they look, exactly how many pounds and inches they’ve gained and how pregnant they feel. Pointing it out is not a conversation-starter. This is a human being you’re talking to, not a baby machine. If you don’t know what to say, then don’t say anything at all. I’d much rather talk to a person who doesn’t even acknowledge that I’m pregnant during conversation than someone who makes the first inane observation that pops in to his or her head because they feel like they simply must say something pregnancy-related.

#6: In response to hearing about a pregnancy complaint or problem, saying, “Oh, it’s just _____.”
I’ll tell you exactly where this one comes from… a family friend of ours. He was asking me how things were going after my kidney infection absence, which landed me in the ER with early labor contractions and a subsequent week of mind-numbing pain whenever I tried to eat or drink anything. His response? “Oh, it’s just Braxton Hicks.” What… the… f@&$*%?! It took every ounce of restraint I had to not rip him a new one and drop-kick him by the nuts right out the door.
First of all, they weren’t BH contractions. Second, you’re a male so you’re automatically not allowed to speculate on pregnancy symptoms. Third, if what we were talking about was related to BH contractions, there is no such thing as “just” in relation to pregnancy. Everything affects every woman differently… what bothers one to no end will be no big deal to another. So, even if you’re a guy who has been through a pregnancy or two (or five) with your partner, or you’re a woman who has been pregnant, don’t assume that something you didn’t mind must not be a big deal, or something you didn’t experience isn’t that bad.

#5: Telling pregnancy or labor “horror” stories.
Somehow people think they’re doing pregnant women a favor by passing along what happened to their brother’s co-worker’s niece who was on bed rest from the first trimester, induced at 42 weeks, in labor for 39 hours with a failed epidural and then forced to have a c-section to deliver her 12 pound baby that landed her back in the hospital a week later for an infection. That’s like telling someone who is flying for the first time that they have a better chance of winning the lottery than surviving the trip. Why would you do that?
Fear & stress are the top causes of problems in pregnancy and birth. They are also the reasons why women are scared in to modern methods of prenatal care and “delivery” where interventions actually cause more complications than they alleviate. Instead of educating society on how normal and safe birth is, it’s more fun to pass along urban legends and traumatic tales. This is not the Discovery Channel high-risk birth show. Chances are, the Mom-to-Be will have a relatively healthy, very safe experience. There are enough natural worries that come with being pregnant and having a baby without you adding to them.

#4: Asking about birth or post-birth decisions… and then offering your (unwanted) opinion on the answer.
Breastfeeding or bottles. To circumcise or not. Natural birth or anesthesia. Cloth or disposable diapers. Home birth or hospital. There are tons of choices and very, very personal decisions to make during this time period and, as with the mother’s health-related topics, she will be inundated with information from every angle including well-intended “advice” from family, friends and perfect strangers. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t talk about these things at all. I’m saying you should be prepared for a difference in opinion and willing to accept that your advice may not always be heeded or even appreciated.
Things have changed and are changing on a constant basis with the latest trends, wellness concepts and medical studies. Barring the unlikely chance that you’re a doctor or midwife or you’ve given birth in the last few years, you’re probably behind the curve. If you feel very strongly about a certain topic and you think you really need to add your two cents, it would behoove you to research what you think you know before you go running off at the yap about it to an already overwhelmed Mom-to-Be.

#3: Everything you need to know about reacting to baby names (or lack thereof).
As I mentioned in a previous entry, there seems to be a growing trend to not share potential baby names before the birth. It’s also a trend for grown adults to whine like five-year-olds about not being in on the decision. This is a baby being born to two parents, not a moon-child being born in a commune. You don’t have a right to know. Also from the “Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten” school of thought… incessant whining and bringing up the topic again and again is not going to change their minds and make them want to tell you even more.
If you’re privileged enough to be told the names, making faces or disparaging remarks at the choices is not appropriate, even if they are better suited titles for fruit, pets, or your 90-year-old great-grandmother. A better idea is to make a big deal out of how great the names are that you do like and refrain from commenting on the rest.

#2: Stating — whether implied or directly — that something a pregnant woman says or does is “just because you’re hormonal.”
This may very well be case, but if hormones are really the cause of the outburst, blog, road rage incident or crying jaunt to which you refer, is it really a good idea to further exacerbate the problem by telling her she’s hormonal? This ranks right up there with saying to a non-pregnant woman, “Geez, are you PMS’ing or something?” People who have won the Darwin Award have had better ideas than this.
Pregnancy hormones suck. The only thing worse than feeling completely out of control over the way you think, feel, and act is feeling like people expect you to be able to behave normally because they have now pointed out why you are thinking/feeling/acting this way. Even if you’re only trying to be sympathetic and understanding… don’t do it by using any derivative of the word “hormone” in a sentence for at least two hours. Your best bet is to be vewwy, vewwwy quiet and not make any sudden moves.

And the #1 thing to not do… unauthorized belly touching.
I have been poked in the stomach like the Pillsbury dough boy, rubbed as a manner of greeting - usually in conjunction with a comment on how big I’m getting, asked by acquaintances and near-strangers if they can touch (if you have to ask, the answer is “No”) and even got violated by a belly rub before I was showing at all!
Here’s the rule: If you didn’t put it there, you don’t get to touch it without permission.
Let’s talk about permission. Permission does not mean asking, “Can I touch your stomach?” while reaching towards the belly in question. Putting a pregnant woman on the spot like that is just as rude as touching without asking. Permission means the Mom-to-Be says something along the lines of, “Oh, feel this!” and places your hand on her belly. Permission is a one-time, limited offer and does not mean that touching privileges are extended beyond the present moment.
Possibly the most disturbing phenomenon to us round-bellied beauties, is the common misconception that once people know there’s a bun in the oven, the pregnant stomach is miraculously transformed to some sort of hands-on public petting zoo exhibit. How would you feel if every time you encountered someone you had to worry about them poking, pushing or prodding you in the stomach? It’s not a good feeling. If you really need to rub a belly rub your own, get someone pregnant, or get a dog.

Cute Things He Says

2008-07-24T11:31:00.003-05:00

When I hear something funny come out of William's mouth, I think "I should write this down" so I'll remember later. I always forget to - so here's my new spot for all "Williamisms".

"Hush Puffies" - not hush puppies that we ate last night at Rockfish, but hush puffies!

"Pissing You Off" - this was a while back... I was emptying the dishwasher, William comes to goof around with me - and play with the dishes and the rolling rack in the dishwasher. I asked him what he was doing and his response was "pissing you off". I'm just pissing you off, Mommy. WHAT?! Did he really just say that? DADDY!! What have you been saying?!! Of course, Daddy laughed because he knows he says stuff about being pissed off - or that someone is pissing him off. BAD DADDY, BAD.

"Nickels" - this one is just funny! "Mommy, I saw your nickels"! Don't know how this one came to be, but it is. Now we all say nickels...

"Billy Stories" - are night time stories Mommy tells William about a little boy, named Billy who has blonde hair and big blue eyes. Ironically, all the stories are experiences that William has had - like our trip to Disney World.

"Old Mac Donald's" - the golden arches, land of chicken nuggets, you know the place...

"Mickey Mouse" - not the Disney character - exactly.... but more like the name that he wants to use for his new little brother or sister. It doesn't matter the gender, the name apparently will work for either!

The Thank You Poem

2008-07-22T15:48:00.002-05:00

From Stephanie - and read to us at the post race party! This was the best gift EVER!!

To our dearest B and A
your 50 + Iron Girls have something to say

I'll take you back 11 weeks ago
a random group of girls, stuck in gear "slow"
In all different ways, we heard of this team
Couch potato to finish line? sounds like a scheme!
Never-the-less, we decided to see
ventured to Bikemart to hear your guarantee

Hmmm- seems cool. Wonder if it works
Getting in shape seems like a good perk
I don’t know though, this sounds pretty tough
Do I have what it takes? Do I have enough?

Well something that day must have clicked
We all signed up, though a little panicked

First run workout, we go to white rock
Not much running though, most of us walked
Though Gloria’s sister kept up our pace
Jamin’ to tunes, she was ready to race!
The rest of us couldn’t wait to be done
Is it normal to not breathe? I feel I weigh a ton!
My shorts ride up, I’m feeling faint
I have a cramp, but giving up I aint

Then on to biking- oh boy what a treat!
So who was the first that ate some concrete?
Clips for pedals, who would have thought?
Just add it to the list of things we have bought
Who knew this sport would make you poor?
You think you have it all, but there is always more!

Swimming, oh my- what can I say?
I think we all remember that scary first day
Some couldn’t even put their face in the water
I feel like a lamb brought out to slaughter
The flippers at least seem to help out a lot
Swim cap, goggles and nose plug- we are Hot!

Run tests, pull buoys, and falling from clips
Bruised up bodies and out of place hips
Wreaking on your bike, showing off the scars
Can you freakin’ believe we have made it this far?!
Social gathers and vitamin beer
No shame is our mantra, and we shout it with cheer!

Fit to train Iron Girls, 2008
Triathletes forever, this is our fate

Brian and Adrian, how can we say enough?
For changing our lives and making us tough
You took a group of misfits, got us ready to race
Even when we didn’t, you always had faith

So here, a gift from all, we wanted to do
Just one last way, to say- THANK YOU!!!

What a day!

2008-07-20T22:17:00.003-05:00

Whew! It was a long one - and a GREAT one. Today was the Irongirl race - the end of a 12-week training program for a great group of women. Like a proud mama, I had such great time watching everyone going from nervous to "I'm doing it" to "I DID IT!"

We got up super early, Brian announced the race - so he got up even earlier and drove separately. I drove my own car loaded with the mountain bike, made a quick pit-stop at Starbucks and was on my way. I got there just in time to see almost everyone - then walk with them as they made their way over for the pre-race meeting then the swim start! The weather was perfect for a triathlon, no wind, calm water - it was beautiful. I watched as they tried to remain calm and focused - and took pictures (of course!!). The first group was off - and I watched a couple more waves go then I had to hit the "swim exit" for more photo opportunities! I hung out at the transition area until I saw each one of them come through and leave on their bikes. Then I rode my bike out on the bike course and found a spot about 3 miles out to cheer and get more pics. I really enjoy cheering people on - I was on a hill, the last uphill for the race - and I tried to clap and encourage all the women to finish strong - to get over that last hill and enjoy the ride back in. I stayed in this spot for a while - again, staying until I saw almost everyone. I decided I better get out to the run course and see how that was going. It was a scorcher, I'll say that much! There wasn't much shade on the course at all - and that first water stop was far away. I rode out past the first mile marker, dropped the bike and did the cheerleader / photographer thing I love!

I was so proud of 'my girls'. They were doing so great - and they were smiling too! I took lots of pictures at different spots along the race course and surprised many by my super-hero like ability to be in several places cheering! Later, I explained that I'm a 'professional spectator'. I've watched so many races, I know what it's like. Not to mention, I've been out on the race course and I also know what it's like to have someone cheering for you - when you least expect it! Total motivation - and I wanted to be that familiar face showing each of them that I was so proud of what they were all doing.

After the race, I listened to everyone talk about the race - and how much fun they had. If there was one thing I could ask for - it's that they truly enjoy the race! All that training - and finally feeling the excitement of crossing the finish line! It was beautiful!!

After the race, Brian and I grabbed lunch - came home and I started preparing food for the post-race celebration / cook-out. The boys (Brian and William) took a nap (NO FAIR!). The party was great, Jordann invited everyone over to her place (fancy high-rise) which was equipped with tons of outdoor seating / tables / grills and a pool. It was high-tone! Those of us with kids were excited because there was a pool - and it was only 3.5 feet deep! YAY! We fired up the grills and we were ready to go. Everyone told stories of the day, Cara wins! She took a fall during the bike portion - and got back in the saddle to finish strong! Yeah, baby!!

While we were eating, one of the Irongirls stood up - and had a "speech" if you will. Actually, it was a poem - to Brian and I (I swear, when she sends it - I'll post it), it was the coolest thing. All the girls had gotten together and gave Brian and I a huge "thank-you" for getting them to the finish line! I was SO TOUCHED - I was crying. It was the sweetest thing EVER. The poem was amazing and hilarious. Stephanie, the one that read it, is amazing and hilarious too! The delivery was perfect. The thing is - we've done training programs before now - and this one... this one was different. This was a really special group of women - just such a diverse and dynamic group of the best girls to work with. The things I learned about them, the personal stories they shared, the meaning behind the training for some of them made this 12-week journey a learning experience for them and for me. I gave them the skills to change flat tires, to ride their bikes up hills and to run while they gave me the gift of remembering what it is I love about this sport: the people! The 'real' people. The people who aren't overly concerned with every last bit of data from their last run or bike. The real women who have bigger things going on outside of their lives besides the sport of triathlon and how they are using the learned discipline to train for this event as cross training for other areas in their lives.

I am reminded that there are many, many people out there who come together for what we think is one reason, but ends up another one altogether. The past twelve weeks have been challenging and exhausting - and the reward at the end was well worth the journey.

I'm lucky to have been able to coach or teach these women something that may stick with them the rest of their lives, and I'm lucky to have had the opportunity to meet such an incredible group.

Thank you!!

A week's progress...

2008-07-16T20:39:00.002-05:00

Since I posted last week about starting a new weight training program I've lifted weights: 0 times! Ahhh well, it's never to late to start over! ha. I have good intentions, but mama's been tired!

Saturday, we rode w/ the Irongirls and did a preview of the bike and run course. We came home and I worked in the yard for a few hours then decided that was enough of a workout to last a good four days!! Not really, but I was really tired so I decided to sleep in on Sunday and enjoy pancakes with William (that's our thing) then I took a big ol' power nap. I knew I was going to have a long day on Monday with work stuff then Tuesday we had a Fit2Train happy hour... and today, I was pooped. I wanted to workout at lunch but didn't feel like it at all. I even skipped the bike ride tonight so I could come home, spend some quality time with William and rest. I think tomorrow's going to be a day of better choices. Eating well and hopefully getting a workout in here or there!

This weekend's going to be action packed. We've got the Irongirl pre-race dinner Friday night, I'll be going to Ft.Worth or Weatherford to spend time with my family on Saturday - and attending my Grandfather's funeral. Then get home, wake up early to get out to the race site by 6:45 Sunday morning. Hopefully I'll get a nap in before the post-race celebration / cook-out at 5pm! LORDY, I'm tired just thinking about the upcoming weekend. :) It's really hard to believe I used to spend hours each day on the weekend riding or running. I'm so exhausted these days!

Step One....

2008-07-08T21:34:00.003-05:00

... in what I hope to be a series of weight training sessions. Today I met with my trainer (or the person I meet with on a semi-regular basis for weight training programs) to get my new weight training plan. We did a run through of the training program and I came to the conclusion that (a) I've been away from weight training just a little too long and (b) technically, I can work out my abs and it's not totally useless.

When I was asked to do leg pull ups and crunches I asked "really, is this necessary? I mean, aren't the muscles just going to be stretched out beyond all recognition anyway?" The answer was something like: it will help support my back which will soon be carrying an additional 35 lbs or whatever and supposedly it will help with recovery. Hmmm. Not sure about that one, but I'll try it until I can't lift my upper body anymore! HA.

I'm sure I'm going to be sore tomorrow - DAMN, GINA! Is it totally unrealistic to think I can be pregnant and in shape? It's not so much about looking like I'm in shape for now, but more about when I have this baby, I'm going to want to be up and running (literally). Shit, who am I kidding - it IS about being in shape right now. I look like a fat cow and I'm only 3-months pregnant!

Maybe I can find some yoga classes since it's really getting too hot to be running outside these days. This "pregnancy tip" cracks me up! As if a pregnant woman could actually do a back bend!

Ever feel like you can't do anything right?

2008-07-07T19:00:00.000-05:00

If not, try living with a three year old. Wow - these past few days have been a little tough on the ol' ego for Mom. Let's see, there was the "no, don't kiss me - I DON'T LIKE IT" followed by "your not my best friend, Mommy". That was after I kissed him good night, so sleep on that, right?! Today it was "Mommy, your car is slow" and "You're not doing it right... that's not how Daddy does it". Oh, I know - he doesn't realize what he's saying, but it doesn't keep those words from creeping in to my head.... Let's see, last I checked I took you to see a movie on Thursday night, the parade Friday morning, fireworks on Friday night, a birthday party on Saturday morning and then to get your face painted (like spiderman) at the mall on Sunday for Family Fun Day. I must have done something right over the weekend.... at some point.... didn't I?!

Ahhhh, maybe one day he'll grow to appreciate all the things Mommy does to make him happy. Until then, I can only try!!

Happy Fourth of July

2008-07-05T12:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was so much fun! We started by hitting the Lake Highlands parade put on by the Exchange Club of Lake Highlands, it's always a good one with TONS of candy for the kiddos. Afterwards we (along with the rest of parade watchers) went to the recreation center and spray park. There's no better way to cool of than stripping down and running through water!

We ended the day by joining Courtney, Stephanie, Addison, Richie and Tiffany to have a picnic dinner and watch the fireworks at the Lakewood Country Club. It was soooo much fun! Courtney and Stephanie are members, and they invited the rest of us to join them. It was really a nice time. William got to swim in the pool with Daddy while the girls chit-chatted in the shade. The other boys (Courtney and Richie) were making sure the drinks were up to par! HA.

We've all watched these fireworks together, in years past it's been at our house (rental on Prospect) then at the Lindley's house, then last year we all went to a house that some neighbors of the Lindley's invited us to. So, we've been together watching these for a number of years - but this year, we got to actually SEE the show up close.... from INSIDE the fence! :) It's fun to watch the kids - and the addition of kids.... last year William was only two and I remember him going from lap to lap. He sat in each person's lap for a few minutes during the fireworks display. I also remember that Richie had just bought his iPhone so he was playing music for us.... and Addison wasn't even with us last year! Speaking of Addison, she was a little angel. She's only 8 months old and she kept it together! You just never know what could happen with a little one. Especially when you keep them up way past their bedtime out in public with a lot of people and stimulation.

The night was perfect, the weather wasn't too hot, the bugs weren't bad and there was a nice little breeze. As we watched the fireworks, I thought to myself how nice it was to be there in the moment and really enjoying such a wonderful night with my family such great friends. We really are blessed to have days like this.

I feel good.... duh, na, na, na, na, na na

2008-06-30T21:32:00.000-05:00

So after wondering where my fitness had gone, I decided to make it to a swim practice. I went to the DAM workout at SMU tonight and had a great swim. I didn't swim with the Irongirls tonight for a couple of reasons (1) the lanes were packed and (2) I wanted to zone out and get a workout in without really thinking about too much. I think I swam 2700 meters! Damn, Gina!

That's all. I needed to record this so when I'm feeling all funky - I can come back and read this entry and hopefully be motivated to go back to the pool!!

Fitness: I miss you!

2008-06-30T13:06:00.000-05:00

So, maybe I don't remember how "in shape" I was or wasn't when I was pregnant the first time. I think I was able to run a lot more - and I had more energy and motivation to work out. I do remember swimming a lot. I've tried to run a little here and there - I was a little over ambitious yesterday in thinking I could run an hour. I tried, I really did- but 45 minutes was all I could do. And yes, that included a walk break! I'm only 3-months, geez. What's going on?!

I think it's probably a lot like regular training - consistency is key. I really need to try to run at least two or three times a week to keep up my running fitness and endurance. I just haven't been able to keep to a consistent schedule lately. Between the overall fatigue and the random morning sickness, my workouts have been few and far between. I need training partners - anyone out there trying to ease back in to things? Anyone else out there pregnant but still like to swim, bike, run? :) Anyone? Anyone?!
I'm going to make it to more workouts this week, damnit! I actually do feel SO MUCH BETTER when I get to the workout. I just need to think of the feeling of weightlessness in the pool, the feeling of going fast on the bike - and just enjoying each step of my running, because it won't be long when I won't be able to enjoy two of the three sports mentioned.

Is it crazy to sign up for an event? Like... the Tour de Fleurs, 5K or 10K or whatever. Not for time, but for motivation to keep me going? I think I may do it.. I just need to keep some sort of normal activity in my life - pregnant or not. Mamas need endorphins too!

Good Times

2008-06-28T01:19:00.001-05:00

So I'm coaching this triathlon program for the Irongirls triathlon. This is a sprint (500m / 12mi / 5K), our program is designed to teach women how to train for and finish their first triathlon.

Up until this year, my training has been about my races, not anyone else's. I've spent the last two years really focused on completing my first Ironman. Once I finished that, I just wasn't sure what I wanted to do anymore. I was lacking the motivation to train and race again. I decided I wanted to help with the Irongirl program this year for the team, teaching others about the sport that I've grown to love (and hate at times).

This has been so much fun! We have just over 50 participants in the program, and they truly are a fun group of women to work with. It's so different to be on this side of the fence, teaching rather than learning. It's so refreshing to spend my Saturday mornings with women who feel so accomplished after finishing their first Sunnyvale loop! It's like parenting in a way, watching these women reach milestones they weren't quite sure they'd reach. It's also so great to see the camaraderie these women share by training together. I've experienced a whole new level of what it means to be a triathlete and I love it! If I can provide the encouragement for anyone to realize that they can finish their first triathlon, I'm so happy. To work with so many - who doubted themselves in the different disciplines at times, but now are coming to the realization that they can do this is quite amazing. I'm glad I'm a part of this experience in their lives. The first time to do anything new is an accomplishment - and you never forget your first triathlon. I can't wait to see the growth from race one to race two, or three, or ten!!

I think this program has been as good for me as it has been for them, it gives me the motivation to get on my bike every week, the energy to get up and run on Sunday mornings and it makes me happy to still be a part of triathlon, although I have no races planned for myself this year. I've provided some skills for each of the sports - and they've provided the fun that I missed so much during training! I can't wait to see the smiles on their faces as they come running that 25 meters to the finish line!! You GO GIRLS!!

Pickles and Ice Cream

2008-06-22T22:10:00.000-05:00

Or just pickles these days. I can't get enough! I bought a big jar of kosher dill spears at the grocery store yesterday. While I was putting all the groceries away, I had one, then another, then another. Then I put the jar in the refrigerator. After I finished with the groceries, I was craving the pickle juice. I drank about 1/3 of the jar. Yes - STRAIGHT FROM THE JAR. No, I wasn't raised in a barn... I was just craving it. Today, same thing. I came home from being out in the heat, ate some pickles - and again... the juice! What's the deal? I think it's just because I've been outside so much these past few days. I've craved it before (pre-pregnancy) after a long workout, but these two back to back days are making me a little nervous! I only have one pickle left! HA.

We had a great weekend - William was very, very busy. We went to the Kaycee pool on Friday afternoon for about an hour and a half. Then went to dinner w/ some friends. Saturday morning, my Mom watched him so I could go ride then I took him over to a friend's pool for a couple of hours. We were pooped so we stayed in Saturday evening. This morning, my Mom came over again (thanks, Mom!) so I could run - then William and I went to another friend's house that had a giant inflatable water slide in their front yard! That was SO much fun for the kiddos. I think we may need to invest in one of these.... although, from the experience today - once that thing is up and running, the whole neighborhood comes over!

This is the summer for swimming for William. He loves it so much. He's taking swim lessons right now and he's doing great. Fortunately, we have a few friends that have pools and kids so they invite us over from time to time. And there's the Kaycee pool... which is always fun. We just can't go there for a short amount of time. It's an ordeal to get William out of there. Last weekend, we visited my dad at the lake, William swam around - and he rode in the paddleboat with Daddy. Too bad Daddy broke one of the oars. William was swimming while Daddy was in the boat - and he got a little too far away for Daddy's comfort... so in a hurry to get to Will, he snapped the oar! Sorry, Dad - next time get something a little more substantial! The "Big Lot's special" doesn't last long (HA).

Current Stats: too busy to be tired when Dad's away for the weekend, haven't had morning sickness for 4 days (woo hoo), rode 25 miles on the bike Saturday, ran 50 minutes on Sunday. Overall - feeling pretty good. My goals for the week are to ride at least once, run twice, swim twice.

My Silly Boy

2008-06-21T21:19:00.000-05:00

William and I have been spending lots of quality time together lately as Dad's been in and out of town... this weekend is another one of Mom / Son bonding times. He's just sweeter and sweeter (the more time he spends with Mom is rubbing off!). We went to the mall today to check out Babystyle (it's going out of business, so I had to hit the sale). William was so good at the mall. He stuck with me as best he could (he's only 3), and he listened and he didn't beg me for toys! SUCCESS!! On our way home from the mall, I told him how proud of him I was for being such a good boy. I said "Thank You for being so good for Mommy". He said "you're welcome, thank you - you were a real good girl too, Mommy". Awww. Of course, when Daddy sees the credit card statement, I don't think I'll be thought of as a good girl!

It's just so sweet these days, he says please and thank you. He tells me "bless you" when I sneeze and when I say "thank you for saying thank you", he says "you're welcome, mama". I never want this phase to go away! It's been so fun to spend some one on one time with him.

Yesterday, a friend of ours, Sterling had her second baby. I pulled up pictures and showed William. I told him the baby in Sterling's tummy came out. He asked me if the baby in my tummy was going to come out too. I told him yes, but not for a long, long time. I then told him that Owen's little brother was named Nathan. He said "well, we're going to name our baby Mickey Mouse".

He's really going to be such a good big brother. I just imagine him being my little helper! He's such a little sweetie.

MMmmmmm Cookies

2008-06-19T16:12:00.001-05:00

Is it bad that I had a craving for some fresh, warm, ooey-gooey cookies so I decided to order from the little bakery a few blocks over from my office. Too bad I had to order a minimum of two dozen for the delivery!! And a pint of milk. BOO-YAH!

So, I only ate three cookies though. So far. Just three. I'm pregnant, I've got needs!! They're so good. Fresh from the oven and oh so delicious. What do I do with the rest of them? Take them home? Admit to my husband that I caved? He'll know when he sees the bank account. I can hear him now "hmmmm.... Tiff's Treats, $20.... was it someone's birthday?" Um Nope! It was your pregnant wife's crazy cravings! Oh well, at least I had a salad for lunch. It should all even out. Sort of.

Sleep Deprived

2008-06-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I'm soooo tired! Please, please, please let me have energy back when I hit my second trimester! It didn't help that our power went out yesterday afternoon (thanks to a thunderstorm) and didn't come back on until 11:00 today. It was a bit of a challenge sleeping, to say the least. I like to have the house really cold at night... the duvet cover stays on the bed year round... so sleeping with the windows open was not good. at all.

The funny thing was that we're sitting in our house, candles lit, flashlights on - and if when we looked out the window across the street - wow, they've got power! DOH.

Looking forward to catching up on some much needed ZZZzzzzzZ's!

Nine and a half weeks

2008-06-15T20:20:00.001-05:00

It's only been nine and a half weeks?! This is going to be a long road... I'm not even through my first trimester yet! I have been so tired lately - and there's no food that is remotely appetizing these days. Yes, I get hungry. VERY HUNGRY, but nothing sounds good to eat. Why does this happen? It's just a cruel joke on us moms-to-be, we can finally pig out (if we wanted to, of course) but nothing looks, smells or even tastes good to us. Hmmmmm.

Today is Father's Day, we went to see my Dad yesterday - spent the night out at the lake, hung out for a few hours this morning then came home. I didn't sleep too well at Dad's house - it's not exactly set up for overnight stays. I slept on the couch in the living room and Brian and William slept in the guest room on the pull out sofa bed (OUCH!). Brian and Will swam around and I slept on the patio. I think my Dad enjoyed having us all there. I'm sure he didn't hear from my brother or sister today...

As for Brian's Father's Day - he got a new grill. I'm not so sure he really wanted it, but I think he'll like it. The thing about Brian is that he doesn't really get excited about any gift I give him... so I shouldn't expect much. I also got him a grilling cookbook, some new grilling tools and a big bowl to cook vegetables in (on the grill).

The process of getting that damn grill was a beating. I'm sure if anyone out there is reading this - you'll have your own opinion of what I'm about to explain... and you know what, you're entitled to it, but if you don't agree with me, just keep it to yourself! :) I had a really rough day and I don't care to relive it.

Basically, I shopped around at Lowe's and Home Depot for a grill. After hitting each, I finally decided on one at The Home Depot. It's big, navy blue and silver (as in Dallas Cowboys colors) so I thought it was perfect. I had gone in advance because I figured someone would need to assemble the grill, etc. I paid for everything and planned to come back on Saturday to pick it up. Brian was out riding, so I borrowed my neighbor's truck, loaded William into their car seat and we were on our way.

It was early, 9:00 a.m. As I'm pulling up to the store, I ask William "do you want to go in?" he says "no, I want to stay in the car". I think "fine, I'm only running in for a second to ask them to bring the grill out to the car". I park near the front doors (for easy loading), lock the truck and run inside. I'm greeted with a lady saying "ma'am, you're parked in a fire lane". I simply said "I'm sorry, I just needed to pick up my grill and get it loaded into the car". I wait there for a second to give her all my information to have the grill brought to the front. It's maybe been TWO MINUTES, MAYBE. I walk back out to the truck to see a man in an orange apron tapping on the window of the truck talking to my son. He asks "is this you?". I say "yes". He replies with "you left your kid in the car?". I said, I locked the car and ran inside to tell Customer Service I'm here to pick up a grill.... he says "YOU LEFT YOUR KID IN THE CAR?" I said, "I locked it and I was gone for two effing seconds". He says "IT ONLY TAKES TWO SECONDS TO STEAL A KID". Yes, he's being a total dick. I say "why don't you mind your own effing business". I sit out there in the truck waiting for my grill... I'm pretty pissed off so I run inside and say that I want to talk to the manager. Turns out that the a-hole that was yelling at me is the 'manager', yeah - right.... So I say "I want a refund, I don't want to spend my money here". He replies with "ALL BECAUSE YOU MADE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE YOUR KID IN THE CAR...."

Okay - first of all - who the hell do you think YOU are? WHO? I'm really, REALLY, REALLY pissed off. I say EFF YOU, give me my money back and don't worry about what I'm doing it's none of your damn business. He tries to say that since I'm in "his store" it is his business and that I need to leave. I say I'll leave when you return my $500. He says, I'll refund your money then I'm calling the police.

Calling the police. On ME? For what? FOR WHAT? I left my 3 year old son in the car by the front door in 78 degree temperatures for a total of two minutes while I was asking to have my $500 grill brought to the truck I was borrowing. Are you fucking kidding me?

Needless to say, the pregnancy hormones were kicking in big time. I go to the truck and start bawling. I had just been accused of being a terrible parent, got into a fight with some jerk-off at THD and had no Father's Day gift. I drove off not believing what had just transpired in the last 15 minutes of my life and not knowing what to do next. I decided to call another Home Depot that was not in the ghetto - and talk to a Manager there about the whole situation. The new store helped me out. I'm sure it was a little uncomfortable because I could not pull it together, I literally was crying inside the new store and the entire time they loaded the grill into the truck. My entire day was ruined.

I really can't believe that guy at the first ghetto Home Depot. It's not like I'm a child abuser or a bad person. What gives him the right to publicly criticize me? He could have handled the situation a lot differently and I wouldn't have lost my temper. It's human nature to become defensive when being attacked, It's Adrian's nature to use foul language the second some complete stranger lays into her. I honestly am full of hatred for this jerk. But then I think, it's karma - he'll get his punishment for what he did. Then I think - wait, what did I do to receive this crap on a Saturday morning that was so perfectly planned out? Who did I piss off to get this bad joo-joo placed on me?

7 weeks, 1 day

2008-05-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

So, it turns out that I'm pregnant with baby #2. I plan to record my thoughts during this 40-week journey (well, 33 week journey now) and see where I end up!

Here's the thing: We weren't trying to get pregnant and of course we weren't not trying either. We "pulled the goalie" if you will.... Almost two months ago I thought I was pregnant. I had all the signs of early pregnancy, swollen and sore boobs, fatigue and an expanding waist line. I took a test and it turned out negative. So - I made an appointment with my regular doctor to have some tests run. I wanted to know why I was gaining weight and why I was sooo tired.

I guess as a triathlete, you become very alert about your body. With training as much as I have in the past, I know when I've gained a couple of pounds - and can usually figure out why. Same with weight loss, fatigue, dehydration, etc.

The night before I was to visit the doctor to have a blood panel done, I decided to take another pregnancy test, just for kicks. What do you know, it's positive! I really am pregnant! I went ahead and took another one about a half hour later.... Needless to say, I never went to that doctor for the blood test, I knew what was going on.

It's weird how quickly the fatigue sets in - and the nausea. I can't seem to get enough rest these days. I feel so bad for my 3-year old son, he has no idea what's going on! He doesn't understand why Mommy needs so many naps! Next week, Daddy is going on 'mancation' (camping with his guy friends) and I have no idea how I'm going to handle being a single Mom who works all day and can't get enough rest! Right now, work is described as the time spent between naps!

We did our first sonogram this week, found out I'm 7 weeks along and the due date is January 14th. Sounds like a fine day to have a baby. I'm having such a hard time keeping it a secret! I don't know how I'm going to make it all the way to week 12 without telling the world my news.

We've started talking about the idea of a baby brother or baby sister to William. He's on board as long as we can name him/her Mickey Mouse. That makes me laugh! Daddy also told him that Mommy is changing. He means my body, but William wonders if I'll still be his Mommy... or if I am "going to be a Mommy again". Of course, I tell him I'll always be his Mommy, but there will be a baby that I'll be a Mommy to as well. He says he's changing too, like Mommy! I think he'll be a great big brother. The morning after I took the test that had the positive results, I looked at William a little differently. Just thinking of him being the "big brother" is so sweet. He's such a good little guy. I know I'll be so proud of him.

Current Stats: 7 wks, 1 day, morning sickness = yes, # of times = 2; once on the way to work and once at work. Fatigue = can we say COMA?!